"Not Yet"

Patience is not my virtue.  Never has been, I'm not sure it ever will be.  Quite often I find myself stomping my foot and pouting like a petulant child over God's direction for my life, especially when he says "No" or "Not yet." I'm quite certain He shakes His head, and with a mournful smile, He says, "Oh my dear child, you have so much to learn."

"B-b-b-b-b-but Goooooooo-od," I whine, "This is what I want to do and I want to do it now!"

This seems to be happening a lot lately.  I do believe God is doing His very best to teach me patience.

I have put my life on hold to raise my children.  That's fine, this is my choice; it's what Shawn and I believe to be best for Noah and Avery.  I have no desire to do anything that would mean taking away from my children full time.  Still, there are times I find myself wondering if this is really all there is to it. What's wrong with hiring a sitter for an hour or two so I can take one class here and there?   What's wrong with wanting a little more for myself and my education?  I start wallowing and feeling sorry for myself, realizing that mom and wife are pretty much my only identity.  I have very little time to do things for myself, very few opportunities to further myself as Amy.   It's not that I resent my children, my life choices or don't find motherhood rewarding; I just need something that is entirely mine, that I do just for me and not because I have to for someone else.   Sometimes I feel like I've lost sight of who I was and who I wanted to be.  Then I have to remind myself that as a mom, it's not about me.  And as a Believer and a Follower, it's not about what I want.

At the center where I volunteer, there has been a class for lay counseling certification offered numerous times.  It's something I really, really, really want to do.  Every time the email about another session comes through though, I delete it with tears and even a little bit of bitterness.  It has not been offered at times that are convenient for me because of the children's schedules.  So when the email arrived announcing the class would be offered on a Saturday, I leapt for joy while simultaneously ordering the necessary books and materials.  I was so excited!  FINALLY, this was my chance!  I waited for the first Saturday of class with giddy anticipation.  I couldn't believe it was finally going to happen!  Then I got the email that the class had been canceled due to disinterest.  I was the only one who had signed up for the Saturday option.  "Disappointed" doesn't even begin to describe how I felt as I sat in front of my computer reading the email in tears.  Once again, my life--my own Amy life--was put on hold.

I'm learning it's all about perspective, and um, patience.  God is telling me it's not my time yet.  He either has something better in store for me, or needs me to learn a few more things before I'm ready to take this class.  I'm disappointed yes, but I know the class requires a lot of soul-searching and introspection.  With everything going on in my head, maybe God is protecting me, knowing I'm just not ready for that right now.  I plan to do the grief class our center offers, which would have meant two classes for me to concentrate on, so maybe it just would've been too much all at one time.  I don't know the reason behind all of this, but I'm doing my best to take comfort that God, as always, has a good reason behind His decision.