Can I Get an Hallelujah?!

Wow, I haven't cried tears of relief in a while.  Usually when I leave a doctor's appointment with Noah, I leave in tears of frustration and anger at the world.  Praise God, today was full of blessings and completely different.  I didn't do any fist-shaking at the sky while yelling, "HE'S MY SON! LEAVE HIM ALONE!"  For me, that's a pretty darn good day.

I realized I wasn't getting anywhere with the developmental pediatrician we've been taking Noah too.  She hasn't been listening to me as Noah's mom, or accepting me as the expert on my child.  The medication he is currently on just hasn't been enough for him and I've known for a while that he needs a little more of a boost.  Noah has been struggling a lot with his ADHD symptoms, which weren't being recognized by this doctor.  I finally realized that we needed different help.  We already had the diagnoses, we needed to go elsewhere for the proper help.

I've been trying since May to get an appointment with a specific doctor at the center we went to today, which offers inpatient and outpatient treatment (Noah said, "Um Mom?  Why are all the doors locked?"  Oh geez....), but I finally just took whichever doctor we could get.  Turns out, we got a wonderful, thorough, dedicated specialist.  She spent close to 3 hours with us, one of those with just Noah, but before we even got started, she asked me exactly what I wanted and expected from the appointment.  When we left, I felt vindicated because she agreed that Noah's ADHD symptoms need to be treated.  We have a clear treatment plan, clear expectations and a clear path.  Whew.  What a HUGE relief.

As it has been explained to me, and from the reading I've done, ADHD can be difficult to diagnose and treat in Asperger kids.  Asperger is an all-encompassing syndrome, which can include OCD-like behaviors, depressive symptoms, anxiety, rigid behaviors, ADD/ADHD behaviors, anger and aggression.  For a professional to diagnose any of those in addition to Asperger, the behaviors/symptoms must go beyond what is encompassed within the syndrome itself.  In most Asperger kids with comorbid ADHD, stimulants are not the way to go, as they can exacerbate many of the Asperger symptoms, especially anger, aggression, depression and suicidality.  And that concludes your science lesson for the evening!


The problem with the developmental pediatrician was that she was not acknowledging that Noah exhibited enough ADHD symptoms outside of what Asperger includes.  Even with a second opinion that diagnosed ADHD, she would not treat him for anything other than his Asperger symptoms.

Today, the doctor agreed with the Asperger diagnosis.  She also felt that Noah scored high enough (this is one of those times when a high score isn't necessarily a good thing!) on the ADHD charts that it goes beyond Asperger and requires its own diagnosis.  Along with those two, she also agreed with the Generalized Anxiety D/O diagnosis, and added Depressive Disorder, also.  That's a lot for a kid.  It was hard to hear, but really, I don't think it was anything I wasn't expecting.  In a way, I was relieved to hear the diagnoses because it meant she was taking us seriously, listening so well and willing to follow through.  I didn't have to shout, yell or beg for her help and understanding.

She wants Noah to have some baseline bloodwork done first: Thyroid, liver function, Vitamin D and a few others.  We go back next week to talk medication.  She wants him to continue on the Zoloft because she is concerned about his anxiety and depression scores, telling us that it's possible his scores would be higher without it (again, high scores not being a good thing).  Noah told her that he does feel the Zoloft is working, so that's good.  She gave me two options to think about for ADHD treatment: Either Ritalin or Focalin, which are stimulants, or Intuniv, which is a non-stimulant.  I'm leaning towards Intuniv, but I understand it is often difficult to get insurance companies to pay for it if you haven't tried something else first.  As she was presenting ideas to me, she warned me that sometimes Intuniv doesn't always take care of all the symptoms, so to be prepared for that possibility.  She does not strike me as overly eager to prescribe medications for children and another comment she made helped me see that she is not about having children on more than two medications unless there is absolutely no other way around it.  Again, what a relief.


While I'm on the subject of How Do You Spell Relief, a quick note about Noah's teacher.  Have I mentioned yet how much I love this woman???  Oh my gosh, can we please CLONE her?  She is beyond understanding of Noah and his behaviors.  Beyond willing to help him and work with him.  Beyond capable of loving, caring discipline.  I know my child can be a difficult child to have around for 8 hours a day, especially when you've got 17 other students and a multitude of tasks to complete.  A teacher who says, "These are the things I've seen him trying to deal with during the day, but I don't blame him, I get why he does these things and we're working on it" deserves a medal.  And her sense of humor blends right in with ours!  Oh, she's good.  She's REAL good!


Thank you, Sweet Jesus, for hearing our prayers and answering them.  Thank you for these blessings today.

Let Them Eat Cake!

I don't normally stop to share things like this on my blog, but it really made my day. Noah gave me a Tidbit of Normal tonight!`

As yesterday was Noah's 11th birthday, I sent him off to his Scout meeting tonight with a homemade chocolate cake. When I picked him up from his meeting, he came rushing up to me to announce there were only 6 pieces left. He'd made sure to save at least one piece for Avery, and another for his teacher.

"Everyone really loved the cake, Mom. They all wanted to know where we bought it from. But I told them it was homemade and that you didn't even use a box mix or canned frosting!"

Coming from Noah, that was huge for me. His Aspergian brain doesn't usually slow down enough to offer compliments, offer empathy or show pride in those around him. He tries, but it's often difficult for him to remember. Tonight though, Noah was proud of me and the cake I made for him.

And I am thrilled beyond belief that my boy was happy and proud of me.  My heart sings!


(And I'm quite proud that he was so thoughtful for his brother and teacher, too!)


~Please keep our family in your prayers tomorrow. We are taking Noah to a new psychiatrist who has come highly recommended to us. I'm praying this doctor will be able to provide us with the help and answers we so desperately want for our child. Please pray this doctor will accept me as an expert on my child and his needs and that he will be open to new and different treatment options for Noah. Thank you!~

It Takes a Village

I'm not trying to address politics here, so please excuse me for just a moment while I divulge a small tidbit about myself: I do wholeheartedly believe it takes a village to raise a child.  Now, that is most likely the only time you will find me agreeing with a democrat or liberal!  Please don't tell my husband.....

This has been a topic I've given a lot of thought to over the past year.  My kids have huge villages, and in turn, I am blessed to be part of several villages.  My friends and I joke that we are all helping each other raise village idiots (don't worry, there are plenty of times when we join in the idiocy).  Our kids are lucky enough to have three moms and two dads.  Of course, with so many eyes keeping watch on them, they aren't too sure just how lucky they are right now!  But some day, when they have kids of their own, they will remember us and appreciate everything we did for them.  At least, that's our hope!

I got thinking more about it yesterday after Avery and I were asked to "just happen to be there" when a friend's son had his first date.  She had to work, I don't.  If she couldn't be there, at least I could be there to spy, take pictures and make notes!  If the tables were turned, I would want her to do the same for my kids, and she would.  Even if she could have been there, I would have been there anyway; after all, any potential girl/boyfriends must pass everyone's approval!  Poor, unsuspecting potentials!

The topic crossed my mind even more today, Noah's eleventh birthday, as the texts, emails and phone calls poured in to wish him a happy day.  We had so many happy wishes for him, and I didn't realize that some of our friends even knew it was his birthday.

Both of my best friends are single moms.  Shawn and I have the privilege of "substituting" with their kids quite often, and it's a responsibility we take seriously.  Likewise, our friends frequently substitute with our kids, too.  Each time we swap children, each time I feed another one, each time we get together, I smile to myself, thinking, "This is how it's supposed to be.  This is God's purpose for us."  We all pick up where the other leaves off (not that any of us are neglecting our duties). We support and encourage each other.  We bounce parenting ideas and problems off each other, always getting a different perspective that might be better than our own. And there's also quite a bit of picking up and dusting off that goes on when one of us is having a particularly bad day!  We're content, we're happy, we belong.

Thankfully, my kids' villages go beyond my two best friends and the boyfriend of one (hence, three moms and two dads!).  While they are our closest village, my boys have many more in a more extended village.  Avery has his wonderful daycare teachers, my oldest niece and her boyfriend, and church nursery teachers.  Noah has his counselor, my oldest niece and her boyfriend, his horseback riding instructor, Boy Scout leaders and his wonderful Sunday school teachers.  And of course, both boys have GOD in their villages, along with all the people who pray for them daily and my fellow volunteers I work with at the center.

These villagers are people I trust implicitly with my children.  I trust them to discipline my children with love when necessary, to love on them and guide them, and to speak Truth into their lives.  I know they will not utter a harsh word to or against my children, and that they love these boys almost as much as I do.  Each villager has a specific place, filling a specific, much-needed role in their lives.  They are helping us mold our boys into the young men they will all-too-soon become.   Each of these special people is able to see Noah and Avery for who they really are at their cores.  They understand my children's gifts, see them for their inner beauty and are helping foster their unique personalities.  Each villager is a true gift to our family.

Tonight, I was filling out fourteen pages of paperwork for Noah's upcoming appointment with a new psychiatrist.  One of the sections was for influential family members who don't live in the home.  After I filled that section out and reread it, I was breathless for a moment.  Only one of those people on that list was true family; everyone else on that list is part of Noah's village.  What really took my breath away though, was that I ran out of room while writing down names and the roles they play in Noah's life.

Tearfully, I am so grateful for each and every single person involved in the lives of our boys.  Goodness knows, we cannot raise these boys alone and we need all the help, support, encouragement and prayers we can get.  It is an amazing feeling to not just have a village for my children, but to be part of several villages for other children.  It is an amazing feeling to know that my children are loved and cared for, well beyond what Shawn and I give them.  Our cups runneth over.

Bible Studies

There are two simultaneous thoughts racing through my brain right now, slightly tied together by my fears and phobias:  Bible studies and women's retreats.  I'm going to do my best to break them up into two separate posts.  Actually, it should be more like three posts, because this one isn't going to say everything I need to about the study I'm doing!  Wish me luck with this, please.   Otherwise, you're in for a very long read!  Well, longer than usual, I'll say!

I've known for a long time that in order to grow as a Christian, I need support not just through regular church attendance, but Bible studies.  Knowing and Doing are two very different things, however.  Bible studies really aren't one of my favorite things to do.  I do believe I have come up with just about every excuse imaginable, telling myself at the time that they were legitimate reasons, not pathetic excuses.  Truly, if I had wanted to do these studies, I would have found a way to do them.  I've blamed everything from my children and scheduling to my poor night-driving vision and end of the day body pain.  I know the leaders have been able to see through me for the excuses my reasons are.  They are, after all, pretty smart women!

Bible studies go very deep.  And much of what is so deep within me, I have just not been emotionally comfortable with dealing with, or ready to take on.  I have known quite well that I need to conquer these things so I can move on with my life, but I just have not been ready to face these things.  Many times these studies have brought up painful memories or subjects that I just don't want to remember or deal with.  I've given them the power to bring me down and submerge me in the pits of depression.  Why would I want to go into a Bible study knowing there is the potential for such a thing?  Gee, maybe it's because God is telling me it's time that I have power over it instead of allowing it power over me?  Hmmmm.....  Afraid of breaking down into tears in front of everyone, afraid to share my pain, I would often leave in the middle of the class and/or not return the following week.

Another reason I tend to shy away from Bible studies is because I've had bad experiences that go beyond the issues the studies address or bring to light.  I've had bad experiences with people in the groups themselves.  I've been judged for not knowing enough about the Bible, judged for what I've chosen to share and even deemed not a good enough Christian.  Those people taught me to stay silent, and therefore, I got very little out of the study.

I've also been in studies that have been dominated by one single participant.  Truly, in both instances, there was nothing the leaders could have done because the participants were not at the point at which they were open to hearing about their behaviors.  At first, I was afraid I was being selfish, unwise and uncaring: Maybe these women needed these studies more than I did.  There were many other maybes that went through my head, as I did my best to consider all the possibilities.  It soon became clear, however, that for both women, this was attention-seeking behavior.  They had the same complaints each week, derailed the studies in the same manner each week, attempted to regain control of the study when attention was focused away from them--you get the idea.  What these women really needed was individual counseling in addition to the studies, but that was not for me to say.  What I learned from those experiences was to stay silent (again), more out of fear of being too much like these women than anything else.  I didn't want to be the one who was considered the Bible Study Attention Hog.  After all, these studies are for every single participant; we wouldn't be doing them if we didn't need them in some way.


So, to say that I've been turned off from Bible studies over the past several years is putting it quite mildly.

When our church began it's new round of Bible studies/Sunday school classes, I shocked myself by signing up for one.  Literally, I handed the money and form over before I really realized what I was doing.  I left church that morning thinking, "Gee, thanks God!  What have you gotten me into now?"  I wasn't happy about it and, true to form, I immediately starting thinking of excuses to not go.  I knew in my heart, and felt it deep within my soul, that I desperately needed this particular study, though.  It is time.  I need to do this not just for myself, but for the sake of my family.


But you know what?  I went.  And I went back again today.  And guess what else?  I'm enjoying myself.  And I've already gotten so much out of it.  And I haven't been afraid to share, nor worried that I'm 'hogging' our time together.

The class I'm taking is The Resolution for Women, based off the movie  Courageous, that came out this past fall.  I have not seen the movie yet because there is a scene in it I'm not ready for (and I promise that really is not an excuse, it's the truth and I do believe God is protecting me in this one!), but it turns out you really don't need the movie to do the study.  I have joined an amazing group of women who are all full of wisdom and love for our Lord.  Being the youngest in our group, I can see that I have so much to learn from them.  All I have to do is listen to the wisdom God imparts upon me through them.  At least two women there share similar health issues and another mom has a young child 'like' Noah.  God's message to me through these women?  "I love you.  I have not forsaken you and I never will.  You are not alone in life, in your trials and your triumphs.  This is a season, and we will get through it together."

"I will not leave or forsake you."  Hebrews 13:5

A New Sign

Saw this today and laughed out loud.  I decided we needed to have this in our home.  I think it says it all!

(I won't bore you with all the philosophical thoughts that went through my head when I saw it, I think you know me well enough by now to take it from here!)

School Day(zed)

I've been meaning to write about our appointment with Noah's teacher, but my thoughts are so many that they've been difficult to harness.  There are so many things I need to get out of my head, but by the time the kids are in bed at night, I'm too exhausted to form a coherent thought.  I'm caught in a very bad pain cycle, and Avery's asthma is flaring again.  There hasn't been much sleeping going on around here!

First, I really have a lot of respect for Noah's teacher.  While I'm sure she realized that she really didn't have anything to tell us we don't already know, it's can be difficult to call parents in for a conference.  As a teacher, you just don't how receptive the parents are going to be, especially when what you have to tell them isn't necessarily good.  Noah's teacher has met Noah's challenges head on and I'm grateful for that.  She is kind and nurturing, but also sets the tone of what is expected.  Being laid back and calm, yet setting the tones for proper discipline is always such a fine line.  It is something which Noah's counselor and Sunday school teachers--and now his school teacher--have accomplished, and I'm still desperately working on mastering!  Truthfully, Noah does best with that type of personality.  I do like his teacher and I do feel that she is the best match for him.  Shawn also came away from the meeting feeling the same way.  She has been at this for years, has had plenty of other students like Noah and knows what is best in the classroom.

We talked a bit about what is going on in the classroom, most of which we expected and also experience at home.  Noah is extremely disorganized, has inappropriate outbursts and is already being ostracized because of his behaviors.  That's just the tip of the iceberg, though.  My heart just aches for him.  Over the years, as Noah's mom, there have been other children I have steered him away from because I have not deemed them a positive influence on my child.  It has never really occurred to me, until over the past year and a half, that my child might be the one other parents are steering their children away from.  That hurts more than you could ever possibly imagine.  Noah is aware enough of his differences and of the way other people treat him for this to hurt him too.

Noah's teacher then asked Noah to step outside the classroom.  This is when she told us something else we are already aware of, but have yet to speak out loud:  Our genuine fear of what will happen to Noah when he gets to middle school.  Our son has TARGET written all over him and will be eaten alive.  This is the point at which we begin considering holding him back a year, in the hopes he will mature enough to be ready for middle school the following year.  There are many topics in health class he is not ready to handle and will not handle without Tourette's-like behaviors.  Opting him out of health is not going to be answer; there is only so much we can opt our son out of.  There are several issues to pray about on this subject.  One of Noah's biggest fears is failing a grade, even though that's never even been close to an issue for him.  He will not understand being held back for the sake of maturity, and he will see it as a gigantic failure on his part.  His self esteem is already low enough.  I worry that he will be bored repeating fifth grade, which could cause more problems for him.  At this point, I suppose it is a matter of deciding which is worse: making him a target at middle school, or leaving him behind in elementary school with the issues that will arise out of that.  Neither situation is favorable.  We have about 4 1/2 months left of this school year.  I am praying fervently that Noah will make leaps and bounds, and that we will find the right medication match for him before I have to make the decision about next year.  I also want to meet with the principal at the middle school to present Noah's side of things and hear about his experiences as a middle school principal with these children.  I've heard such good things about him and I'm looking forward to meeting him.  I also need to meet with the guidance counselor there.  At this point, Noah has one teacher and she is more than willing and capable to work with him, so I don't see how an IEP is necessary yet.  If he continues on to middle school next year though, he will need some sort of IEP and support system in place for sure.

I've had a couple talks with Noah about the things he says during his outbursts and how they scare not just me, but other people too.  To some extent, I can understand it--I will occasionally have an entire conversation in my head, and suddenly say something related to it out loud, forgetting I've not had the conversation with those around me!  I think, to some extent, that is what happens with Noah, and the part we hear sounds so outrageous and scary, but in context with the conversation in his head, makes sense (at least to him).  Still, much of what he says can be disturbing, especially when he talks about hurting something or someone.  I want him to understand the seriousness of what he says and why it scares people.  I explained to him that because of what he says, I could never leave him alone with Avery.  I said to him, "What if you were to decide you wanted to see what would happen if you took a baseball bat to your brother?"  I think that scared Noah because he hadn't thought of it that way.

I talked with Noah's counselor about this as well.  No, Noah does not have the so-called typical signs of sociopathic or psychopathic behaviors.  He can be a gentle, loving soul.  However, he also has the detached, Aspy way of thinking: "What happens if I..." and does not think things through.  It truly scares me that one day he could be standing in the kitchen and think, "Gee, I wonder what would happen if I take this knife and______."  Yeah, pretty darn scary that my brain goes there.

I'm disappointed with the lies he is telling, too.  He actually tried telling us that his teacher was lying about what she said.  That turned into, "Well, I might've said something like that, but what I meant was...." and that turned into, "Okay, I said that, but it's not what I meant!"  The lying is getting worse; he's told us some pretty bad ones, and we've overheard even more outrageous ones.  He doesn't understand that lying to impress people really, in the end, doesn't impress them.  He also has yet to realize that lying to cover something gets him in more trouble than if he'd just told the truth in the first place.  He hasn't learned yet that one lie always leads to another--and that he always gets caught.  It's getting the point that we are finding it difficult to believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

Ending on a good note, his grades are looking good.  I'm still struggling to instill good study and homework habits in him.  I'm not sure that's something he'll ever "get."  At some point though, school won't be as easy as it is for him now, and without studying or properly doing homework, he will fall behind.  Of course, he's the child and therefore knows everything; I'm just the mom, so what do I know?!!    I sent him outside yesterday to introduce himself to a boy who was playing basketball in our court.  His family is Christian, and he is homeschooled and older than Noah.  I've met his mom and and I like the family; I believe this young man would be a good influence on Noah.  I've seen this boy out walking his dog, so I sent Noah out with Gretta to use as a conversation starter.  It seemed to do the trick!  Noah came in very excited and his new friend and about playing basketball with him!  He is already planning his summer camps through our church and Scouts, so even though it's only January, he's already getting very excited about those.  He has his first Scout Freezeree next weekend, and is totally psyched about that.  Hopefully it will be cold enough!  Horseback riding starts back up in February, and we have his appointment with the new psychiatrist next week.  If we don't leave there with answers, suggestions and the help we need, I'm not sure what I will do.

Please continue to pray for our family.  I have good friends who support and encourage us.  They tell me I am doing a good job and that I work hard, but there is still always that feeling that there is more I should be, or could be, doing for Noah.  There are days motherhood reduces me to little more than a blubbering, stuttering, flustered idiot.  I really do feel clueless and so out there.  I want to feel successful as Noah's mom and to be the mom he needs me to be, instead of waking up still exhausted from the day before and already exhausted by the day ahead.  I want Noah to realize all of his dreams, and all of God's plans for him.  I want him to be successful and happy, and to be able to look back on his childhood and know that I fought for him, doing the best I could every single time.  I want him to know how much he is loved.  I just want our family to be happy, to settle into what our normal is and to be warm with love.

A Good Laugh

My family says I am indispensable.  Yahoo Finance says they can't afford me.  I say I'm just very tired after a long, hard day's work!


What does your family say about you, the homemaker of your house?

Had to share this!  A friend passed this on to Shawn, reminding him that since he can't afford me, he better appreciate me!  Read on:

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/much-homemaker-worth-182358580.html

Enjoy!

Screaming at the Universe

I am writing on pure emotion, so please just bear with me.

As you know, Noah started back at public school last week.  As you also know, this was not an easy decision for us to make and for quite a while, Shawn and I disagreed on what to do with Noah's school situation.

I got the inevitable phone call from Noah's teacher today.  She handled it very well, is positive about helping Noah and making sure he is properly integrated into the classroom.  I appreciated her gentleness, and if that is also how she treats me son, that's good.  I still feel that in a worst case scenario, she is most likely the best teacher for him.  We are meeting tomorrow afternoon to discuss ways to help him, to talk with Noah as a team, and to sign any waivers necessary so she and Noah's counselor can talk.

What she said about my child's behaviors though just caught me off guard.  Noah can be highly inappropriate, often not thinking before he speaks.  His brain, his mouth and his body all work at different speeds.  We work with him at home on what is appropriate and what isn't, but what he has said in class just scares me.  For one, he dropped the F word.  Nice, huh?  He has also been heard saying that he thinks it would be cool to smash a frog with a baseball bat just to see what happens, then he also stated it would be cool if the boy in the story they were reading died.  Statements like those strike fear in my heart.  He has hurt Avery on occasion and we've wondered how "accidental" it was each time.

We are quickly approaching puberty with Noah, and with that comes changes for any child.  For an Asperger/ADHD child, it means even bigger changes.  Many children develop anger issues and mean streaks where there weren't before.  It scares me.  Many of Noah's peers are moving ahead of him developmentally and socially; Noah is still on a first/second grade level.  I fear he will be left behind.

I want to scream "What were you thinking?" the second I see him, but I already know the answer to that.  He wasn't thinking.  Or maybe he was, and he wanted attention, so he was trying to be funny.  I know there are things that Noah can't control; there are some things that are just beyond his control, but he's got to start learning or he will never be able to function in society.  He will be lonely, he will be ostracized.

Another part of me wonders what people must think of us as parents if those are the things our child blurts out.  What on earth?  Noah looks like any ordinary kid, Asperger is not printed on his forehead, so unless you get to know him, you don't know that there is something different about Noah.  You wouldn't know that the reality is that he does know better, that his parents are doing their best to teach him right from wrong, but there is nothing in his physiology that tells him to follow through with what we are trying to teach him.  There isn't that part of his brain that says, "STOOOOPPPPP!"

I want to scream at the universe, I want to scream at God to just please, give my kid a break.  Give all of us a break.  Can't just one thing be easy for him?  Isn't there some way we can help him "get" what he needs to understand?  I want to scream that it isn't fair.  Just leave my kid alone!  I'm angry.  I'm hurting.  I'm heartbroken for my child.  I'm crying out to God to please, just help him, help us!  I want to hug Noah and yell at him at the same time.  I want to take his hand and just run from this (again), and I want to make him understand what he's doing and that it can't continue.  I just want it all to work out and be okay.  I don't know what else to do for him, other than everything we are already doing.  I feel guilt for staying with the developmental pediatrician we were seeing for so long, for not pushing harder for her to help my son better.  There is guilt for waiting so long, hoping she would change her mind and prescribe what I--his mom--know he needs.

I don't know what else to do for him anymore.  God help me, I don't know how to help my own child.

Back to School

Noah started public school last Tuesday.  So far, it's gone well.  Despite my misgivings and guilt, Noah is adjusting well.  Even though he has not come out and said it, I think he is as relieved as I am.  We are both very intense people and I think we need our time apart from each other.  Or am I just rationalizing sending him back to alleviate my own guilt?!

Even though Shawn and I have yet to meet his new teacher, I do like what I see coming home.  This teacher is extraordinarily organized, which I appreciate a great deal.  Noah's own organizational skills are lacking, so it's helpful when those around him are organized.  Her expectations are clearly outlined, which is also very helpful for Noah.  He seems to like his class, is enjoying seeing his Cub Scout friends in school, has a good friend in his class, and someone to hang out with and goof off with in the parent pick-up line.  Noah's proudest achievement this week was his visit from the Desk Fairy!  One morning last week, he found a piece of candy on his desk with a note that commended him for keeping his desk clean!  I was very excited for Noah, as this was a first for him.  We've only had one meltdown, but after confirming facts with other parents, we were able to get it under control and calm him down.  His first afternoon, he came home and declared his teacher judgmental.  When I asked him to give me an example, he told me that when someone was doing work, she would point out what they're doing wrong.  I had to stifle a laugh over that one!  I told him that's not being judgmental per se, she's teaching, which is her job!

From a parental stand point, there has been disappointingly little homework.  Before you judge me, no, I don't want Noah inundated with homework.  That is a selfish wish of my own, as homework is often a difficult task, more for me than Noah.  However, I would like to see some kind of review work coming home in the afternoon, even if it's busy work.  We're trying to settle into an after-school routine of homework and chores, then, once he's sufficiently completed those tasks, he can have 20-30 minutes of TV, the Wii, or his DS.  When the weather permits, he's also been going outside to burn off that extra energy!  I'd forgotten how much pent-up energy he comes home with after being at a desk for 8 hours!  Yikes!  Noah is falling asleep faster at night, and sleeping through the night better, so I know school is exhausting him, and that this has been a good change for him.

Noah admits to being a little bored in his classes; he was further along in his homeschool math and history/social studies than his class is, so he is having to repeat some things he's already learned.  He said they don't do as many science experiments as he was doing at home, either.  Noah is very much a hands-on learner, so the busier he is as he's learning, the more into the subject he is able to become.  I know he belongs in GT reading/language arts, but with only 5 months of school left, I'm not sure it's an issue worth pursuing.  Is that awful of me?  My hope is that his teacher will soon realize it and have him moved.  I am also not sure how to pursue the issue of an IEP.  Noah's teacher is aware of his diagnoses and personality, and from what I've learned about her, fully equipped to be a Noah Whisperer.  I've corresponded with her to let her know that I'm open to discussion, change, and anything else that might be needed for Noah.  We have an appointment with a new psychiatrist at the end of the month, and I know he will want his teacher's input as well.

Avery and I are settling into a routine of our own.  It sounds awful to say this, and it sounds as though I'm blaming Noah, but I'm not; our days have been quieter, calmer and more low-key with Noah back in school.  I'm able to give Avery more one-on-one, focused attention.  Things still kind of fall apart in the afternoon once Noah is home and the children start competing for my attention, so that's something we need to work on.  There was so much craziness this past Thursday, but I was more relaxed about it than I have been in a long time.  Noah was not there "helping" or melting down over everything, there wasn't the added stress of sibling rivalry.  I was less tired, more relaxed and better able to roll with the punches. I've been less tired, less stressed, more relaxed and better able to just deal with things in general.  I've been ready for Noah in the afternoon and better able to handle him.

Noah's little study buddy, Jethro, does seem to miss him, so they make up for lost time at bedtime!  I was worried how this week would play out, as Noah's dog has been sick again.  Shawn and I were afraid this was "it," and I know that stressors at home greatly affect Noah's behaviors.  Fortunately, even with his worries about Gretta, he seems to have done alright.  We are trying new, stronger pain meds for Gretta, which seems to be helping.  I'm grateful to see some of that sparkle still left in her eyes.  I'm also grateful for Jethro for moving into Noah's bed; Gretta can't get up there anymore, and Noah will need Jethro to heal when it is finally Gretta's time.

I'm still trying to work around my own guilt for having to send him back, as well as my feelings of failing my child.  In many ways, I feel as though I gave up on him.  I also feel horribly guilty for saying life is easier with Noah in school.  That's not to say it's a breeze--Avery is Avery, and he is 2 1/2, after all--but it's been easier.  Even though I've come to realize this really is the best thing for Noah, for me, for Avery and for our family as a whole, I still have a lot of mixed feelings about it.  The truth is though, we needed this.  I don't think we would have made it to next fall with our sanity, and our family, intact.  I'm tired of not being the mom I want to be for my children.  When I get a break from Noah (and in all fairness, Avery, too), I am a better mom, I am calmer, and better able to deal with what slams into me.  My kids deserve a better a mom and I feel as though I'm constantly falling short of what they deserve.

I've been grateful for the encouragement and support I've received from friends who are close to the situation.  They've confirmed that we've made the correct decision for Noah and our family, as difficult as it was.

And now, on with week two!  Oh, and potty training, too!

Rearranging My Brain

I truly enjoy it--LOVE it--when I come away from a morning at church thinking, "Wow!  That was exactly what I needed to hear!"


This morning was one of those times.  God is so busy stirring my nest, desperate to get me out of my comfort zone, desperate to reach me.  Our pastor had some wonderful things to say (but that's a different post!), but the two people who really spoke to my heart were our women's ministry leader and another friend I had a conversation with after service.  It never ceases to amaze me just how loud God will yell when we aren't listening, or when we're listening but resisting.  I know it probably should not amaze me, but I think it's the pure depth of His love for us that is what always gets me.  What also never ceases to amaze me is how often the things I need to hear are things I already know, but am struggling to hear.  Do you see the difference?


This past year, I've truly struggled with my identity.  Who am I, really?  Yes, I'm a mom, a wife, a volunteer, a chauffeur, a tutor, a chef, an official drool wiper--but these things don't identify me.  There are days I feel as though I've gotten so lost under the many hats I wear and that no one--including myself--knows the real Amy.


I also struggle with knowing The Truth, as it is written.  My husband often says that if you were to look up the word gullible in the dictionary, you'd find my picture.  He's not too far from the truth!  I believe a lot of things--and a lot of people--I shouldn't.  I am a perfectionist and a people pleaser, always wanting to make people happy.  When I disappoint someone, when a harsh word is uttered against me, even by a stranger, I take it to heart.  I've never been able to just shake it off.  It sticks with me, and still to this day, the enemy repeats things that were said to me years ago.  I still allow those things to be my truth, I allow them to work their way into my life, into my thought patterns and into my actions.


A friend and I did a Joyce Meyer study a few months back.  I'm ashamed to admit that I can't remember the name of it, but what we both got out of it is It Is Written.  It is written that we are God's children.  Our Truth is written in the Bible.  It is written that He has gone before us.  It is written that He is always with us.  It is written that His truth is the only truth we need. 


Sharon and I remind each other of this often.  We email Bible passages, prayers and other tidbits to each other, ending them with "until you believe it."  Self esteem and depression are something we both struggle with; unfortunately, it is often difficult for us to believe the truth about ourselves, instead believing the lies the enemy whispers to us.


~Stick with me, I'm really hoping this will all make sense here in a minute!  These two topics do merge somehow, I promise!~


This morning, after reading 2 Timothy 3:16-17, our pastor called three members of our congregation forward to explain what the word complete means.
     First, this is what the passage says: "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work."


When it was the women's ministry leader's turn to speak on the word complete, she seemed to speak to my heart and soul; I know that sounds horribly self-centered, but her words were a realization that slammed into me like a mack truck.  


Much in the way I've been using other people to define my truth, I've been using other people, and the many roles in my life, to define my identity.  Yes, I am Shawn's wife, I am a volunteer for a wonderful ministry, I am Avery and Noah's mom, Janet's daughter, Jane's granddaughter, best friend of Sharon and Mandy.  But none of these things are who I really am.  These identities don't complete me.  These are blessings bestowed upon me because of my true identity, which is daughter of the one true King, who does complete me.  Wow.  GOD completes me.


You know how you can know something for years, you've read it over and over, you've heard it, you've even said it, but you don't really grasp it?  When you do finally grasp it, it's like a huge light-bulb moment, and you want to shout "DUH!", but that's not always appropriate in the middle of a Sunday message.   Until you are ready to receive it, to understand it, that's when it blows you away.  I've known all along that I've been going about this the wrong way; I know who I need to receive my truth and identity from, but I have yet to truly, truly hear it and receive it.  It's just taken a while to sink in.


God is my One Truth.  God is my Father, from whom I receive my one true identity.  God is the only One who can complete me.


Until I believe it....

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:8-10

*My thanks to Susan for speaking this brain rearrangement into my heart and soul.  My apologies if I misstated anything!*

A Post From the Land of (*ahem*) "Dull" Moments....

I thought I would take a moment to make you feel better about your day, by telling you just a small part about mine.....  By 8:30 this morning, I knew it was going to be one of those days....  But if it weren't for these sorts of days, my heart rate would never get up....  And if it weren't for my days, my friends wouldn't feel better about their own!


Anyway....

One of the cats, Jethro, had a bath today.

Why, you ask?  Why would you bathe a cat?

Jethro got a bath because Avery dumped an entire bottle of baby shampoo on his belly.

But before I could bathe him, we both slip-slid up the hallway, he jumped on every single piece of furniture in his path and slithered across my bed, leaving soap in his wake, as I chased him and tried to herd him into the bathroom with slippery hands and shrieking children.  Ever heard the phrase "It's like herding cats"?  Well, now I've experienced it first hand....  Then the phone rang while I had the cat in the tub.  And it wasn't one I could ignore.  The dear woman asked if it was a bad time and like an idiot, I said, "Oh!  Of course not!  Now is good.  I'm just bathing the cat!"  As if it's something I do everyday.

At least we both smell baby fresh now.

Oh, and that's M&M chocolate on Avery's face; he needed another neb treatment.  M&M's, much like Lindor Truffles, also have a variety of uses!


Yep.  That's just one story from a day full of them.  *sigh*

Altar Call

While reading this post, keep the following two things in mind:

1: When the senior pastor at our church retired, I realized everything good this man was to our family was what we needed at the time.  In his retiring, God was telling our family that part of our life is over, it's time for change, onto the next part of our lives.

2:  The words altar call strike fear in my heart.

A friend and I have started doing the Bible study, Learning to Soar: How to Grow Through Transitions and Trials.  We've both had a lot of things to deal over the past year.  We are still trying to make those transitions, still trying to overcome the trials.  God is telling both of us it's time for change, it's time to be pruned and to grow.  We've read the first two chapters and already have gotten so much from this book.

The authors of this book compare God's stirring in us to how an eagle parent stirs her nest to spur her eaglets into learning to fly and become independent, using Deuteronomy 32: 11-12.  The eagle mom will stir her nest, removing all the soft, fluffy, safe things that make the nest comfortable, so her eaglets are sitting on the sticks, straw, small bones and other tough parts of the nest.  She intentionally makes the nest uncomfortable so her children will grow and prosper.

Much in the same way, God is stirring my nest.  He wants me out of my box, out of my comfort zone.  It's time to deal with the grief, anger, guilt and other dangerous feelings I've been glossing over. It's time to move on, time to grow.  I don't wanna, but I hafta.  God says so.  Jeremiah 29: 11-13 has always felt like my "life verse," but lately I've been forgetting to live by it. I forget that my life is about God's plans for me, not my own plans.  I've been forgetting to live His way.

At the beginning of this post, I said that I recognized I'm in for some changes, and the mere words altar call leave me shaking in my boots.

Well, our new senior pastor has made some changes.  And one of those changes is to offer altar calls after each service.

So, why do altar calls scare me?  Because I'm in front of people.  Because even though I am praying to myself and being prayed over quietly--i.e., no one else in the church knows what's going on--I feel very emotionally and spiritually naked.  Despite the contrary in my blog, I am a private person.  Being emotionally naked leaves me vulnerable, it takes away my control.

God is telling me it is time.  I don't have a choice anymore.  It is time.

I know it is time to humble myself before God and my church to ask for prayer.  I know this is what God wants me to do.  I know I need someone to pray over me, to pray for my family.  I know God is stirring my nest, telling me it's time to leave the comfort and safety of my seat in the back and come forward.  I know this is part of God's plan for me.

I know all of this, and more.  And part of me is ready.  What I'm not ready for is the complete meltdown and tears that will hit me before I even make it all the way to the altar.  That's why I don't want to be in front in people, why I don't want to have to walk back to my seat afterwards.

I can't make my feet go one in front of the other yet, not just with an altar call, but with any part of my life.  I am stuck.  I can't do this on my own.  I need God.  That's what He is trying to teach me.  God's desire for me is to rely completely on Him.  I cannot do this 'thing' called life without God.