School Day(zed)

I've been meaning to write about our appointment with Noah's teacher, but my thoughts are so many that they've been difficult to harness.  There are so many things I need to get out of my head, but by the time the kids are in bed at night, I'm too exhausted to form a coherent thought.  I'm caught in a very bad pain cycle, and Avery's asthma is flaring again.  There hasn't been much sleeping going on around here!

First, I really have a lot of respect for Noah's teacher.  While I'm sure she realized that she really didn't have anything to tell us we don't already know, it's can be difficult to call parents in for a conference.  As a teacher, you just don't how receptive the parents are going to be, especially when what you have to tell them isn't necessarily good.  Noah's teacher has met Noah's challenges head on and I'm grateful for that.  She is kind and nurturing, but also sets the tone of what is expected.  Being laid back and calm, yet setting the tones for proper discipline is always such a fine line.  It is something which Noah's counselor and Sunday school teachers--and now his school teacher--have accomplished, and I'm still desperately working on mastering!  Truthfully, Noah does best with that type of personality.  I do like his teacher and I do feel that she is the best match for him.  Shawn also came away from the meeting feeling the same way.  She has been at this for years, has had plenty of other students like Noah and knows what is best in the classroom.

We talked a bit about what is going on in the classroom, most of which we expected and also experience at home.  Noah is extremely disorganized, has inappropriate outbursts and is already being ostracized because of his behaviors.  That's just the tip of the iceberg, though.  My heart just aches for him.  Over the years, as Noah's mom, there have been other children I have steered him away from because I have not deemed them a positive influence on my child.  It has never really occurred to me, until over the past year and a half, that my child might be the one other parents are steering their children away from.  That hurts more than you could ever possibly imagine.  Noah is aware enough of his differences and of the way other people treat him for this to hurt him too.

Noah's teacher then asked Noah to step outside the classroom.  This is when she told us something else we are already aware of, but have yet to speak out loud:  Our genuine fear of what will happen to Noah when he gets to middle school.  Our son has TARGET written all over him and will be eaten alive.  This is the point at which we begin considering holding him back a year, in the hopes he will mature enough to be ready for middle school the following year.  There are many topics in health class he is not ready to handle and will not handle without Tourette's-like behaviors.  Opting him out of health is not going to be answer; there is only so much we can opt our son out of.  There are several issues to pray about on this subject.  One of Noah's biggest fears is failing a grade, even though that's never even been close to an issue for him.  He will not understand being held back for the sake of maturity, and he will see it as a gigantic failure on his part.  His self esteem is already low enough.  I worry that he will be bored repeating fifth grade, which could cause more problems for him.  At this point, I suppose it is a matter of deciding which is worse: making him a target at middle school, or leaving him behind in elementary school with the issues that will arise out of that.  Neither situation is favorable.  We have about 4 1/2 months left of this school year.  I am praying fervently that Noah will make leaps and bounds, and that we will find the right medication match for him before I have to make the decision about next year.  I also want to meet with the principal at the middle school to present Noah's side of things and hear about his experiences as a middle school principal with these children.  I've heard such good things about him and I'm looking forward to meeting him.  I also need to meet with the guidance counselor there.  At this point, Noah has one teacher and she is more than willing and capable to work with him, so I don't see how an IEP is necessary yet.  If he continues on to middle school next year though, he will need some sort of IEP and support system in place for sure.

I've had a couple talks with Noah about the things he says during his outbursts and how they scare not just me, but other people too.  To some extent, I can understand it--I will occasionally have an entire conversation in my head, and suddenly say something related to it out loud, forgetting I've not had the conversation with those around me!  I think, to some extent, that is what happens with Noah, and the part we hear sounds so outrageous and scary, but in context with the conversation in his head, makes sense (at least to him).  Still, much of what he says can be disturbing, especially when he talks about hurting something or someone.  I want him to understand the seriousness of what he says and why it scares people.  I explained to him that because of what he says, I could never leave him alone with Avery.  I said to him, "What if you were to decide you wanted to see what would happen if you took a baseball bat to your brother?"  I think that scared Noah because he hadn't thought of it that way.

I talked with Noah's counselor about this as well.  No, Noah does not have the so-called typical signs of sociopathic or psychopathic behaviors.  He can be a gentle, loving soul.  However, he also has the detached, Aspy way of thinking: "What happens if I..." and does not think things through.  It truly scares me that one day he could be standing in the kitchen and think, "Gee, I wonder what would happen if I take this knife and______."  Yeah, pretty darn scary that my brain goes there.

I'm disappointed with the lies he is telling, too.  He actually tried telling us that his teacher was lying about what she said.  That turned into, "Well, I might've said something like that, but what I meant was...." and that turned into, "Okay, I said that, but it's not what I meant!"  The lying is getting worse; he's told us some pretty bad ones, and we've overheard even more outrageous ones.  He doesn't understand that lying to impress people really, in the end, doesn't impress them.  He also has yet to realize that lying to cover something gets him in more trouble than if he'd just told the truth in the first place.  He hasn't learned yet that one lie always leads to another--and that he always gets caught.  It's getting the point that we are finding it difficult to believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

Ending on a good note, his grades are looking good.  I'm still struggling to instill good study and homework habits in him.  I'm not sure that's something he'll ever "get."  At some point though, school won't be as easy as it is for him now, and without studying or properly doing homework, he will fall behind.  Of course, he's the child and therefore knows everything; I'm just the mom, so what do I know?!!    I sent him outside yesterday to introduce himself to a boy who was playing basketball in our court.  His family is Christian, and he is homeschooled and older than Noah.  I've met his mom and and I like the family; I believe this young man would be a good influence on Noah.  I've seen this boy out walking his dog, so I sent Noah out with Gretta to use as a conversation starter.  It seemed to do the trick!  Noah came in very excited and his new friend and about playing basketball with him!  He is already planning his summer camps through our church and Scouts, so even though it's only January, he's already getting very excited about those.  He has his first Scout Freezeree next weekend, and is totally psyched about that.  Hopefully it will be cold enough!  Horseback riding starts back up in February, and we have his appointment with the new psychiatrist next week.  If we don't leave there with answers, suggestions and the help we need, I'm not sure what I will do.

Please continue to pray for our family.  I have good friends who support and encourage us.  They tell me I am doing a good job and that I work hard, but there is still always that feeling that there is more I should be, or could be, doing for Noah.  There are days motherhood reduces me to little more than a blubbering, stuttering, flustered idiot.  I really do feel clueless and so out there.  I want to feel successful as Noah's mom and to be the mom he needs me to be, instead of waking up still exhausted from the day before and already exhausted by the day ahead.  I want Noah to realize all of his dreams, and all of God's plans for him.  I want him to be successful and happy, and to be able to look back on his childhood and know that I fought for him, doing the best I could every single time.  I want him to know how much he is loved.  I just want our family to be happy, to settle into what our normal is and to be warm with love.