This morning was one of those times. God is so busy stirring my nest, desperate to get me out of my comfort zone, desperate to reach me. Our pastor had some wonderful things to say (but that's a different post!), but the two people who really spoke to my heart were our women's ministry leader and another friend I had a conversation with after service. It never ceases to amaze me just how loud God will yell when we aren't listening, or when we're listening but resisting. I know it probably should not amaze me, but I think it's the pure depth of His love for us that is what always gets me. What also never ceases to amaze me is how often the things I need to hear are things I already know, but am struggling to hear. Do you see the difference?
This past year, I've truly struggled with my identity. Who am I, really? Yes, I'm a mom, a wife, a volunteer, a chauffeur, a tutor, a chef, an official drool wiper--but these things don't identify me. There are days I feel as though I've gotten so lost under the many hats I wear and that no one--including myself--knows the real Amy.
I also struggle with knowing The Truth, as it is written. My husband often says that if you were to look up the word gullible in the dictionary, you'd find my picture. He's not too far from the truth! I believe a lot of things--and a lot of people--I shouldn't. I am a perfectionist and a people pleaser, always wanting to make people happy. When I disappoint someone, when a harsh word is uttered against me, even by a stranger, I take it to heart. I've never been able to just shake it off. It sticks with me, and still to this day, the enemy repeats things that were said to me years ago. I still allow those things to be my truth, I allow them to work their way into my life, into my thought patterns and into my actions.
A friend and I did a Joyce Meyer study a few months back. I'm ashamed to admit that I can't remember the name of it, but what we both got out of it is It Is Written. It is written that we are God's children. Our Truth is written in the Bible. It is written that He has gone before us. It is written that He is always with us. It is written that His truth is the only truth we need.
Sharon and I remind each other of this often. We email Bible passages, prayers and other tidbits to each other, ending them with "until you believe it." Self esteem and depression are something we both struggle with; unfortunately, it is often difficult for us to believe the truth about ourselves, instead believing the lies the enemy whispers to us.
~Stick with me, I'm really hoping this will all make sense here in a minute! These two topics do merge somehow, I promise!~
This morning, after reading 2 Timothy 3:16-17, our pastor called three members of our congregation forward to explain what the word complete means.
First, this is what the passage says: "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work."
When it was the women's ministry leader's turn to speak on the word complete, she seemed to speak to my heart and soul; I know that sounds horribly self-centered, but her words were a realization that slammed into me like a mack truck.
Much in the way I've been using other people to define my truth, I've been using other people, and the many roles in my life, to define my identity. Yes, I am Shawn's wife, I am a volunteer for a wonderful ministry, I am Avery and Noah's mom, Janet's daughter, Jane's granddaughter, best friend of Sharon and Mandy. But none of these things are who I really am. These identities don't complete me. These are blessings bestowed upon me because of my true identity, which is daughter of the one true King, who does complete me. Wow. GOD completes me.
You know how you can know something for years, you've read it over and over, you've heard it, you've even said it, but you don't really grasp it? When you do finally grasp it, it's like a huge light-bulb moment, and you want to shout "DUH!", but that's not always appropriate in the middle of a Sunday message. Until you are ready to receive it, to understand it, that's when it blows you away. I've known all along that I've been going about this the wrong way; I know who I need to receive my truth and identity from, but I have yet to truly, truly hear it and receive it. It's just taken a while to sink in.
God is my One Truth. God is my Father, from whom I receive my one true identity. God is the only One who can complete me.
Until I believe it....
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:8-10
*My thanks to Susan for speaking this brain rearrangement into my heart and soul. My apologies if I misstated anything!*
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