I've known for a long time that in order to grow as a Christian, I need support not just through regular church attendance, but Bible studies. Knowing and Doing are two very different things, however. Bible studies really aren't one of my favorite things to do. I do believe I have come up with just about every excuse imaginable, telling myself at the time that they were legitimate reasons, not pathetic excuses. Truly, if I had wanted to do these studies, I would have found a way to do them. I've blamed everything from my children and scheduling to my poor night-driving vision and end of the day body pain. I know the leaders have been able to see through me for the excuses my reasons are. They are, after all, pretty smart women!
Bible studies go very deep. And much of what is so deep within me, I have just not been emotionally comfortable with dealing with, or ready to take on. I have known quite well that I need to conquer these things so I can move on with my life, but I just have not been ready to face these things. Many times these studies have brought up painful memories or subjects that I just don't want to remember or deal with. I've given them the power to bring me down and submerge me in the pits of depression. Why would I want to go into a Bible study knowing there is the potential for such a thing? Gee, maybe it's because God is telling me it's time that I have power over it instead of allowing it power over me? Hmmmm..... Afraid of breaking down into tears in front of everyone, afraid to share my pain, I would often leave in the middle of the class and/or not return the following week.
Another reason I tend to shy away from Bible studies is because I've had bad experiences that go beyond the issues the studies address or bring to light. I've had bad experiences with people in the groups themselves. I've been judged for not knowing enough about the Bible, judged for what I've chosen to share and even deemed not a good enough Christian. Those people taught me to stay silent, and therefore, I got very little out of the study.
I've also been in studies that have been dominated by one single participant. Truly, in both instances, there was nothing the leaders could have done because the participants were not at the point at which they were open to hearing about their behaviors. At first, I was afraid I was being selfish, unwise and uncaring: Maybe these women needed these studies more than I did. There were many other maybes that went through my head, as I did my best to consider all the possibilities. It soon became clear, however, that for both women, this was attention-seeking behavior. They had the same complaints each week, derailed the studies in the same manner each week, attempted to regain control of the study when attention was focused away from them--you get the idea. What these women really needed was individual counseling in addition to the studies, but that was not for me to say. What I learned from those experiences was to stay silent (again), more out of fear of being too much like these women than anything else. I didn't want to be the one who was considered the Bible Study Attention Hog. After all, these studies are for every single participant; we wouldn't be doing them if we didn't need them in some way.
So, to say that I've been turned off from Bible studies over the past several years is putting it quite mildly.
When our church began it's new round of Bible studies/Sunday school classes, I shocked myself by signing up for one. Literally, I handed the money and form over before I really realized what I was doing. I left church that morning thinking, "Gee, thanks God! What have you gotten me into now?" I wasn't happy about it and, true to form, I immediately starting thinking of excuses to not go. I knew in my heart, and felt it deep within my soul, that I desperately needed this particular study, though. It is time. I need to do this not just for myself, but for the sake of my family.
But you know what? I went. And I went back again today. And guess what else? I'm enjoying myself. And I've already gotten so much out of it. And I haven't been afraid to share, nor worried that I'm 'hogging' our time together.
The class I'm taking is The Resolution for Women, based off the movie Courageous, that came out this past fall. I have not seen the movie yet because there is a scene in it I'm not ready for (and I promise that really is not an excuse, it's the truth and I do believe God is protecting me in this one!), but it turns out you really don't need the movie to do the study. I have joined an amazing group of women who are all full of wisdom and love for our Lord. Being the youngest in our group, I can see that I have so much to learn from them. All I have to do is listen to the wisdom God imparts upon me through them. At least two women there share similar health issues and another mom has a young child 'like' Noah. God's message to me through these women? "I love you. I have not forsaken you and I never will. You are not alone in life, in your trials and your triumphs. This is a season, and we will get through it together."
"I will not leave or forsake you." Hebrews 13:5
I, for one, am glad you wrote this post, and it didn't feel long to me at all. God knows what we need, when we need it. I am glad you signed up for the Bible Study class, and I am glad it is going well so far. Though I am far from being a Biblical scholar, my life has been changed by the sweet whisperings of the spirit and the "aha" moments when I read a passage and suddenly understand the meaning for my life. I am so grateful for the Spirit of God, that He whispers to us and helps us step out of our comfort zones and do things we wouldn't do otherwise. GOOD FOR YOU!
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