Screaming at the Universe

I am writing on pure emotion, so please just bear with me.

As you know, Noah started back at public school last week.  As you also know, this was not an easy decision for us to make and for quite a while, Shawn and I disagreed on what to do with Noah's school situation.

I got the inevitable phone call from Noah's teacher today.  She handled it very well, is positive about helping Noah and making sure he is properly integrated into the classroom.  I appreciated her gentleness, and if that is also how she treats me son, that's good.  I still feel that in a worst case scenario, she is most likely the best teacher for him.  We are meeting tomorrow afternoon to discuss ways to help him, to talk with Noah as a team, and to sign any waivers necessary so she and Noah's counselor can talk.

What she said about my child's behaviors though just caught me off guard.  Noah can be highly inappropriate, often not thinking before he speaks.  His brain, his mouth and his body all work at different speeds.  We work with him at home on what is appropriate and what isn't, but what he has said in class just scares me.  For one, he dropped the F word.  Nice, huh?  He has also been heard saying that he thinks it would be cool to smash a frog with a baseball bat just to see what happens, then he also stated it would be cool if the boy in the story they were reading died.  Statements like those strike fear in my heart.  He has hurt Avery on occasion and we've wondered how "accidental" it was each time.

We are quickly approaching puberty with Noah, and with that comes changes for any child.  For an Asperger/ADHD child, it means even bigger changes.  Many children develop anger issues and mean streaks where there weren't before.  It scares me.  Many of Noah's peers are moving ahead of him developmentally and socially; Noah is still on a first/second grade level.  I fear he will be left behind.

I want to scream "What were you thinking?" the second I see him, but I already know the answer to that.  He wasn't thinking.  Or maybe he was, and he wanted attention, so he was trying to be funny.  I know there are things that Noah can't control; there are some things that are just beyond his control, but he's got to start learning or he will never be able to function in society.  He will be lonely, he will be ostracized.

Another part of me wonders what people must think of us as parents if those are the things our child blurts out.  What on earth?  Noah looks like any ordinary kid, Asperger is not printed on his forehead, so unless you get to know him, you don't know that there is something different about Noah.  You wouldn't know that the reality is that he does know better, that his parents are doing their best to teach him right from wrong, but there is nothing in his physiology that tells him to follow through with what we are trying to teach him.  There isn't that part of his brain that says, "STOOOOPPPPP!"

I want to scream at the universe, I want to scream at God to just please, give my kid a break.  Give all of us a break.  Can't just one thing be easy for him?  Isn't there some way we can help him "get" what he needs to understand?  I want to scream that it isn't fair.  Just leave my kid alone!  I'm angry.  I'm hurting.  I'm heartbroken for my child.  I'm crying out to God to please, just help him, help us!  I want to hug Noah and yell at him at the same time.  I want to take his hand and just run from this (again), and I want to make him understand what he's doing and that it can't continue.  I just want it all to work out and be okay.  I don't know what else to do for him, other than everything we are already doing.  I feel guilt for staying with the developmental pediatrician we were seeing for so long, for not pushing harder for her to help my son better.  There is guilt for waiting so long, hoping she would change her mind and prescribe what I--his mom--know he needs.

I don't know what else to do for him anymore.  God help me, I don't know how to help my own child.