Altar Call

While reading this post, keep the following two things in mind:

1: When the senior pastor at our church retired, I realized everything good this man was to our family was what we needed at the time.  In his retiring, God was telling our family that part of our life is over, it's time for change, onto the next part of our lives.

2:  The words altar call strike fear in my heart.

A friend and I have started doing the Bible study, Learning to Soar: How to Grow Through Transitions and Trials.  We've both had a lot of things to deal over the past year.  We are still trying to make those transitions, still trying to overcome the trials.  God is telling both of us it's time for change, it's time to be pruned and to grow.  We've read the first two chapters and already have gotten so much from this book.

The authors of this book compare God's stirring in us to how an eagle parent stirs her nest to spur her eaglets into learning to fly and become independent, using Deuteronomy 32: 11-12.  The eagle mom will stir her nest, removing all the soft, fluffy, safe things that make the nest comfortable, so her eaglets are sitting on the sticks, straw, small bones and other tough parts of the nest.  She intentionally makes the nest uncomfortable so her children will grow and prosper.

Much in the same way, God is stirring my nest.  He wants me out of my box, out of my comfort zone.  It's time to deal with the grief, anger, guilt and other dangerous feelings I've been glossing over. It's time to move on, time to grow.  I don't wanna, but I hafta.  God says so.  Jeremiah 29: 11-13 has always felt like my "life verse," but lately I've been forgetting to live by it. I forget that my life is about God's plans for me, not my own plans.  I've been forgetting to live His way.

At the beginning of this post, I said that I recognized I'm in for some changes, and the mere words altar call leave me shaking in my boots.

Well, our new senior pastor has made some changes.  And one of those changes is to offer altar calls after each service.

So, why do altar calls scare me?  Because I'm in front of people.  Because even though I am praying to myself and being prayed over quietly--i.e., no one else in the church knows what's going on--I feel very emotionally and spiritually naked.  Despite the contrary in my blog, I am a private person.  Being emotionally naked leaves me vulnerable, it takes away my control.

God is telling me it is time.  I don't have a choice anymore.  It is time.

I know it is time to humble myself before God and my church to ask for prayer.  I know this is what God wants me to do.  I know I need someone to pray over me, to pray for my family.  I know God is stirring my nest, telling me it's time to leave the comfort and safety of my seat in the back and come forward.  I know this is part of God's plan for me.

I know all of this, and more.  And part of me is ready.  What I'm not ready for is the complete meltdown and tears that will hit me before I even make it all the way to the altar.  That's why I don't want to be in front in people, why I don't want to have to walk back to my seat afterwards.

I can't make my feet go one in front of the other yet, not just with an altar call, but with any part of my life.  I am stuck.  I can't do this on my own.  I need God.  That's what He is trying to teach me.  God's desire for me is to rely completely on Him.  I cannot do this 'thing' called life without God.