Better Than a Hallelujah

Hmmm....  Looks like I'm a hallelujah-themed kick here.....

God has been on me to take care of myself.  If I don't do that, I'm no good to anyone else.  If I'm not in peak shape emotionally, physically and spiritually, I can't take good care of my family, I can't help my friends and I won't be a successful part of the ministry I volunteer with.  If I am not overflowing with God, grace, mercy, love and good health, I won't have anything left to give out, and if I am able to give out, I will run in the negative for myself.

Okay, I'm sure you get the point.

Part of taking care of myself means taking a Bible study at church and attending a grief support group that our ministry runs.  These are not easy things for me, as I've said before.  There are things I need to tackle though, so this is what I must do.

The Bible study in particular is especially difficult for me.  We are doing the Resolution for Women.  At the end of each section, there is a resolution we must sign that goes with the chapter we just read.  At this time, I have been unable to sign the first one:  To find contentment with/be content in the current season I am in.  I am finding this just so difficult, but I know I need this study just because that is the first resolution.

Contentment is something I have been struggling to find for the past 18 months.  Several things have made it even more difficult over the past 6 months.  This is quite possibly one of the worst, horribly long, seemingly endless seasons, in which that stuff that hits the fan just seems to keep piling on.  I am so bogged down with how bad things have gotten that  I have been forgetting to look for God sightings and Tidbits of Normal, to enjoy my children and the life God has blessed me with.  I have not been able to be grateful for my loved ones, for the blessings God has given me and just for life itself.  I am always looking for the next minute, the next hour, the next day.  Even before I get out of bed in the morning, I am already thinking, "If I can just get through today, tomorrow will be so much better."  With that thought, I'm learning two things:  1, I'm forgetting to enjoy life and I'm missing out on so much by rushing through, and 2, I'm not learning anything.  And, now I'm reaping what I've sown:  I am emotionally, spiritually and physically killing myself.  I am stressed beyond being able to spell it as desserts backwards.  So, this has become my goal:  to be content, to remember to be joyous in this season, to find the things to be grateful for, to rest in these moments instead of rushing.

Something we talked about today in our grief class is emotion.  Some people are afraid to cry, some have been taught not to cry, others--like me--cry at the drop of a hat.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I think I've realized I'd rather wear it there than feel nothing at all.  Anyway.  The video we watched brought up a good point:  God gives us these emotions.  He gives us tears to relieve the pain, to release the grief and anguish we have held within us.  It's not shameful to cry and tears shouldn't be hidden.  There is nothing wrong with showing emotion--in fact, many times, they are better than a hallelujah to God.  Tears are a gift, and gifts are meant to be used, right?

So, not only do I need to work on contentment, but I need to remember it's okay to cry.  I'm still grieving some major losses, and trying to juggle several major stressors all at the same time.  It's been a rough year....  BUT it WILL get better.  With each day, it will get a little better, a little easier and I will have a few more hallelujahs.

Here is the video of Amy Grant's "Better Than a Hallelujah."  It always makes me cry, so if you're a weeper, keep a tissue handy!  Enjoy.  It's one of my favorites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm5kx3xqmg0