I hate ADHD

Sounds harsh.  But it's true.  I know that sounds horrible and bitter.  Some days, reality hits harder than others (this might be one of those days).  I just want one day when ADHD doesn't invade our mealtimes, homework times, chore times, life in general.  I want one day without a stranger in public staring at me with "Lady!  Get your kids under CONTROL!  What is WRONG with them????" eyes.  I want one day without feeling like I'm nagging my children, one day without reminder notes posted over our entire home (one day without reminding them to read the reminder notes....), one day without the stress of having forgotten or lost something, or just plain losing my mind.  I just want to get through one day focused, attentive, aware, and well, dare I say it??  Normal.

Then I remember: This is our normal.

Get over it and get used to it, right?

I know there are things my kids cannot help.  We've never allowed them to use it as an excuse, or a reason for not doing something.  Having this diagnosis means they just have try a little harder, or do things differently.  Many times, it means redefining success.  Sometimes, I hold them to higher expectations because I want them to know they can do something, rather than make excuses, or fall back on what's easier.  I do my best to teach them and help them mature and grow in the areas they struggle.  I am not a lazy mother.  My kids have these differences due to genetics and brain chemistry.

Lately though, I am just really pulling my hair out.  I fear for my children and their futures. I feel like I'm not doing my job well enough for them.  They are the ones with the diagnoses, but the entire family suffers.  The entire family is in turmoil when others can't settle down, calm down, concentrate, sit or complete a task, when things are repeatedly lost, broken, tipped over or forgotten.  It's frustrating, and at times, downright maddening. There are nights I go to bed exhausted, angry, frustrated and in tears.  There are days that feel like that movie with Bill Murray, Groundhog Day--here we goooo again! I watch my kids struggle, and it pains my heart.  It also stresses me out.  I am fearful for what their futures hold if we cannot get this under control and teach them how to work with it, rather than them allowing it to work against them.  I just want my kids to be successful and happy.

We've made the decision to start Avery on medication. He was diagnosed back in May; it's early by most standards, but after 14 years of Noah, I knew what we were dealing with.  In an effort to be proactive, I've already met with the school; his teacher, only a week in, has already identified difficulties he is having, and that devastates me.  I'm pleased with the school's response, but more still needs to be done for him. His self esteem is suffering as we have to speak to him more frequently, as he becomes more aware of how he behaves and acts in comparison to most of his peers.  We really had hoped to hold off and work with him a bit more, but he is frustrated, and feels powerless and out of control.  I see the look on his face each time we have to reprimand him repeatedly, and I know it's time.  I need to get to him now before it's too late.

I used to judge parents who medicate.  I thought for sure they were taking the easy way out.  Oh my goodness, especially those parents with more than one child on medication! Then, after exhausting numerous therapies for Noah, I approached the pharmacy counter in tears and filled the prescription we'd been given.  I felt like I was giving up on him.  When we got home, I prayed over that bottle of pills and that first dose.  I prayed that God would provide relief for Noah.  We saw almost an immediate improvement once we found one that worked.  I felt so much guilt for holding out on him.  I saw how much easier things suddenly were for him, and became a believer.  We've kept other therapies in place, and Noah's learned to make life with ADHD and Aspergers work for him.  He still has his struggles, but if you could've seen him 6 years ago before medication, you'd know the difference is a positive one.

Medication does not mean I'm giving up on my children. Medication does not make me a bad mother.  I'm not taking the easy way out.  In fact, I've learned that medication is sometimes the furthest from the easy way out.  There are side effects, sometimes dietary restrictions, and oh, the trial and error process of trying to find the right medication.  It's painful.  For the past several years, Noah has had to choose between being able to function (medicated) over gaining weight and growing to his full potential, due to some of the side effects. I love my children more than I hate the idea of medication and ADHD, and my children deserve the best I can give them.  In this case, it means adding medication to the other therapies and behavioral plans in place.  Medication is not a cure all.  It's a boost up, not a cop out.

If you have not personally wrestled with such a decision, please don't judge those of us who have.  Chances are good, we're beating ourselves up already, and we don't need your two cents.  Sometimes, the road to such a decision causes even more turmoil within the family, and puts stress on marriages.  I'm tired of defending my decisions to those who don't understand, and I'm tired of feeling so defensive.  I'm doing the right thing for my children, and for our entire family.  And please, for the love of God, don't lecture us about alternative therapies and extra extracurricular activities, or regale us with stories about your cousin's uncle's dog's brother's sister who had it and was cured when she drank special water/ate an exotic food/wrapped herself in cellophane (seriously, you wouldn't believe some of the things I've heard).  If it's a legitimate therapy, and sometimes, even if it isn't, we've probably tried it. No need to second guess our parenting decisions and skills. You might think you're helping, but you're not.  Medication is not a decision we make easily or lightly.  You wouldn't hesitate to give a diabetic child insulin, or chemo to a child with cancer, so I don't understand why this issue is such a debate.  It separates and divides us, when what we need, as moms, is to be drawn together supporting each other.  Be kind.  We're all fighting our own battles.