Identity Crisis?

The past few weeks have been a little hard on this mama.  Ezra is turning 1 on Friday, and Noah came home recently with a potentially life-changing bombshell concerning his future.  I've really been struggling with both of these, and it finally hit me today, what I've been experiencing.  Thank goodness for very patient friends who put up with my nonsense, and only nod their heads when they get the "I FIGURED IT OUT" texts from me.

It's an identity crisis of sorts.  That's what I'm feeling.

This last, final first with Ezra (and the many more last firsts to follow), and Noah's ability to not only make, but act upon, adult decisions have left me wondering--what's next?  What do I do if I'm not a mom--when my boys don't need me anymore?

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll always be a mom.  Once a mom, always a mom, right?  I'll always be their mom.  But what about when I'm not momming on a daily basis anymore?  What about when they don't need me to mom them?  I will always need them, but will they always need me?

*The irony here, is that two years ago, even a year ago, we still weren't sure what the future would hold for Noah.  Would he be able to move out and live on his own?  Would he be able to attend college and hold down a job?  Would we have to provide back up plans or fail safes, or even a full ride?*

And yes, for now, for quite a while still, I have Avery and Ezra (and I'm beginning to see yet another reason why God spaced their ages out so much.... Can you imagine how much messier I would be if I had all three of them hitting milestones at the same time?  Leaving the nest at the same time???  YIKES.), but I'm losing Noah.  It's a slow, gradual process, but it's happening.  There will be a time in the future when a wife will (rightfully) take my place, when I can't be there for every milestone, when I shouldn't be there for every milestone and moment.  It won't be my turn anymore, and I have to let go.  I have to find a way to be okay with it.  It's the inevitable, bittersweet part to parenting.

I'm sure, that to some of you, this seems silly.  I've still got many years with Avery and Ezra, and I have a few left with Noah.  I'm panicking over nothing, right?  Sit back and enjoy the ride while it lasts, right?  Yes, yes, yes.  I will....  and in the back of my mind, I will continue to panic.  Just a little.

This is a hard, crappy realization.  Sure, I want my kids to be happy, successful adults--but do they have to leave me behind to do it (kidding!)?  I knew it would happen, but geez, I have to be honest--I think maybe I was hoping it wouldn't!  Or that it would feel like it's happening so fast.  I know my ultimate goal in motherhood is to send them on their way when it's time--but does it have to be time already?

Alrighty, someone please pass the tissues to this messy mama!