Raising the Strong Willed Child

Avery is my strong willed child.  Okay, that might be an understatement. As a toddler, that was actually the book he chucked at me one morning; out of alllllll the books he had to choose from the bookcase, it was Dobson's The Strong Willed Child.  Hit me right in the face with it. I probably should've taken that as a sign.  We frequently knock heads on many (okay, all) subjects, and he gives us a lot of push back. A LOT.  Even as I remind myself it does no good to argue with a six year old, I often realize several minutes later that I am Still.  Arguing.  With.  A.  Six.  Year.  Old.  I have my way of doing things and how I think things should be done, and he regularly tells me what he thinks of my ways.  I may occasionally say a few things back... But never actually to him... Of course... ("JERK.  What Honey?  No, no, Mommy said JOKE.  I heard a funny joke today and was reminding myself to tell you about it...").

Parenting Avery requires a certain finesse.  Sometimes I possess that finesse, other times I'd rather possess a boot to his rear end.  Just keeping it real.

Avery was such an easy going infant and toddler.  Somewhere along the way, as his own big personality has developed, he's become defiant, strong willed and obstinate. Avery marches to the beat of his own drum, and gives zero cares when it comes to the opinions of others. When he's good, he is the world's sweetest little boy.  He's snuggly and cuddly and cute and loving and funny.  When he's in a mood--well, hell hath no fury.  We can watch it happen, there's a shadow that crosses his face, and then the smirk, and it begins.  Take cover.  He does not like rules, and he bucks every system he runs into--yet he's the child who needs rules and structure the most.  Avery identifies better with the villains in his stories rather than the heroes; he's not rescuing anyone, he's the one wreaking havoc.  For all of our efforts and talk of not allowing Middle Child Syndrome to happen to Avery, it happened.  Go ahead, laugh.  He is caught in between two brothers who are breezing through milestones right now.  He has an older brother he longs to keep up with, only to be told he's not old enough, not big enough, not this enough, not that enough.  I'm sure that he often feels as though he isn't enough.  He has a younger brother he's too old to identify with, yet longs for the kind of involved attention his brother needs.

My biggest fear (okay, one of many) in raising him is that he will be the child who is glossed over and forgotten or ignored, the child who is left to his own devices because of his attitude and behavior.  Sometimes, it's easier to not interact with him, knowing what comes next.  I know this personally, so I cannot blame his coaches and teachers; watching them try to engage him, and how he treats them, I cannot blame them when they move on to another child who is more interested and easier to interact with. There are many times I've done that very thing myself.  Many times I feel guilty that Avery's behavior is taking away from those other children.  Oftentimes, his behavior goes beyond rude to just plain abusive, both physically and verbally.  It takes a special person to try, try again with kids like Avery.  It takes a special person to say that my kid matters and deserves the same effort the other children receive.  I know it's hard though, and it's a lot to expect of other people.  There are activities we've forgone, family events we've packed in, just because it was easier than dealing with this behavior.  I worry that if it's this bad now when he's six, what will it be like when he's a teenager if I don't get a handle on this now?  I'm afraid that people won't get to know the good side to Avery, his positive attributes, because all they ever experience are the ugly parts.  Having watched this with our older siblings, Shawn and I know where this road leads if we don't successfully intervene now.  Our child deserves better.  If I can just hang on for the ride, I know this can, and will, end up being his most positive personality characteristic (it's already his strongest....).

This is where the finesse comes in.  Avery requires kid gloves and handling. What works one day, may not work the next day--and often, what works one minute won't work the next! Often, even praising him backfires tremendously.  We celebrate many of the little accomplishments with Avery, and party over the big ones.  Shawn and I have to tap each other frequently, taking breaks.  How do I raise him so these personality traits of his become his biggest strengths?  How do I raise him while resisting the temptation to tame him?   I wish I had the answers, but the truth is, I'm learning as I go.  I have to broaden my views and open my mind to his way of doing things, choose my battles (I lose a lot of battles in the effort to win the war), let go of a lot, and regroup constantly.  I quiz my middle child-friends and friends with strong willed children all the time, and I take the advice that works best for Avery.  I do a lot of reading, and even more fervent praying.  I know God has plans for Avery; I know He plans to use this part of Avery's personality for His own good, otherwise He wouldn't have given it to him.  I know I have to trust in God constantly and completely while raising Avery. I have to look to God as my example and role model in parenting.  There is a lot of grace, mercy, patience and discipline in raising Avery.  I'm the one who has to keep a straight head and turn things around when they start going south.  When God gave me Avery's verse when I was pregnant with him ("For this child, I prayed"), I could not fathom at the time just how applicable it would be throughout his life.  It's ironic when Noah reminds me, "Mom, you used to despair over me, remember that?  You worried about me so much.  And I turned out pretty good.  Avery will too."

I love this little boy, I prayed for him for many years when we were told he'd never be a possibility and now I finally have him.  I will not give up on him.   He exhausts me, but I will not give up on him.  He deserves my best.