Mother Warrior: Anti-Bullying

We removed Noah from public school for many reasons.  One of them was that he was being bullied by our neighbors.  We couldn't get anyone in the school, the school district or the police to give us the time of day.  No one would acknowledge the problem.  If Noah couldn't be safe in his own back yard, he needed to be safe at school (or vice versa).  Our house wasn't selling, so the only other option was to move Noah to a different school.  The things that are coming out from him now about the private school he attended really aren't much better.  Things got better for a little while when he was first there, but things were getting worse for him again before we pulled him this year.  I know I can't teach my son to run every time a situation gets bad, but I really don't know what else to do when people choose to remain ignorant.  As a parent, it's been a very long, incredibly frustrating road.  I can only imagine what it's been like for Noah.  Sometimes he tells me things that make me want to lock myself in a closet where he can't hear me yell, scream and cry in anger and frustration for him.  Other times I want to take him and run further from the world than we already have.

I had the chance to attend an anti-bullying seminar today.  My first impressions were that I was the only one who probably wasn't being forced to be there, I was probably the only non-professional (ie, I'm pretty sure I was the only one there strictly as a mom) and the only person not from a big agency or school (I left eight hours later with pretty much the same impressions).   I felt a little awkward when everyone at my table was introducing themselves, flashing their credentials, claiming to be bored but happy to have a day away from their students, so when it was my turn, I said in the proudest voice I could muster, "I'm a concerned homeschooling mom of two.  We gave up on the school system when our oldest son was routinely bullied and no one would listen."  No one at my table was quite sure what to say to that.....  I have a habit of leaving people speechless sometimes, and not always in a good way.

There were several speakers and many scary facts presented.  We heard from two different school districts today and while one of the plans is honestly a little hokey (peace, love and Kumbya), it WORKS.  It's a system in which even the teachers have to be publicly accountable for their actions and behaviors.  The students are responding well to it and bullying rates are going down.  The second school system has yet to implement their program.  One professor spoke about cyberbullying and honestly, I'm beginning to wonder why I'm still even on the internet after listening to her!  YIKES!  The scariest facts presented were the basics about the bullies and the victims, the impacts the crimes and violence have and the the long-term effects.  Both the Secret Service and the FBI have tried to profile bullies and their victims and while they have a basic idea of what makes up both of them, it's a still a needle-in-a-haystack approach.

As the mom of a child who has been bullied, one of the things that continues to anger me is the misconception that the school shooters are the only problem children, or the primary problem children (please understand I am not excusing their actions.  Their actions must be punished, but let's have a little understanding of where these angry children are coming from.).  I am in no way condoning the actions of the children and teens who take what they consider to be retribution against their abusers; however, after everything we've been through through with Noah, I do sadly understand it.  Many times, these children wouldn't be problems (or problems to this extent) if the bullying problem had been taken care of. Yes, the acts they commit are horrible and terrible.  But the acts committed against them are also horrible and terrible, and they happen day in and day out, sometimes over weeks or months and sometimes even over years (as in our case).  The media loves to point fingers at the children who point the weapons.  I remember very vividly the day Noah told me he wanted to hurt the children who were bullying him.  He then told me that if he couldn't hurt them, he was going to hurt himself, because those were the only two solutions he could think of to end the torture.  He was in second grade.  I remember my frustration and anger with the system I had to fight against.  I still don't know what scared me more: the fact that I actually believed my child or the fact that I couldn't get anyone at the school to believe us/him (yet again).  The following year we moved Noah to private school.  My heart aches for these kids.  When they pull the trigger (start the fight, pull the knife, end their own lives), they see it as a last resort, the only answer:  No one has listened, no one has helped them, no one has stood up for them or with them, they have been turned out on their own.  They want the bullying to stop, they want the pain to end, they want it to be over, and at that point, they don't care how it ends, just as long as it does.  Does this excuse their actions?  No, it certainly doesn't.

The bullies themselves are often victims as well.  Often they are victims in their own homes.  Does that excuse their actions?  No, it certainly doesn't, but it explains a lot about the kids we've dealt with (and are still dealing with).

There are plenty of studies being done on how to help bullies and their victims.  Plenty of projects and anti-bullying programs being implemented across the country.  Some of them seem to be helping. These programs are only as good as the people who back them up and support them, though.  What do you do when the school won't acknowledge the problem?  What do you do when the bully's parents are part of the problem?  Unfortunately, no one had those answers for me today.  Many people have asked us why we don't just move.  We tried that: our house sat on the market for 3 1/2 years, but in this economy, no one is buying a house for what it's worth anymore.  For now, homeschooling Noah (again, for a variety of reasons) and protecting him is the best I can do.

I went today to gather information.  I'm not sure what to do with it yet.  I'm putting together a binder for our center because, as I've mentioned before, we're hearing from other parents that this is a problem and that they are looking for Christian counseling for their children, which isn't readily available.  We're hearing that the schools aren't listening and aren't doing anything to help their children.  We can start building resources to help these children and their parents with the process of healing and the process of learning how to deal with the bullies.  Maybe we can even start reaching out to some of the schools.

Overall, I'm glad I went today.  I was able to gather a lot of valuable resources and I'm doing what is best for my son.