A New Tool in Our Asperger Toolbox

There's a new medicine bottle on our counter tonight. This one has Noah's name on it.  It symbolizes everything I've stood against ever since Noah entered school and we were first told something was "wrong" with our son.  This bottle is one of the many reasons we pulled Noah from public school and put him in private school.  We were never told to have our son evaluated; instead, we were told to have our son medicated.

I met with the developmental pediatrician again today and we talked for two hours.  Thankfully, her nurse took Noah to the playroom because there many things he just didn't need to hear.  I cried out my frustrations to her, we went over everything that has happened in the past 6 months since she first diagnosed Noah, all the interventions we are trying, all of Noah's behaviors and anything else I could think of.  This doctor had completely rearranged her schedule to meet with me today and not once during the two hours we talked did I feel pressured to "hurry up and just get it over with."  She was patient, kind and understanding.  She listened to everything I had to say, asked questions and for clarification when necessary.

Finally, at the end, when I was drained of everything I had gone with, I said that I was afraid the next logical step for my son would be medication.  She nodded in agreement, then quietly explained our options to me.  She still feels that most of Noah's issues are internal (ie, Asperger's-related), rather than external (ie, ADD/ADHD-related) or a combination of both.  So, for now, we are heading down the path of Asperger's medications, rather than stimulants.  She feels one of these will be more beneficial to Noah than a traditional ADD/ADHD medication.  We will keep in close contact and reevaluate Noah several times over the next few months to make sure this one works and to see if he might need an additional medication (for example, a stimulant or something else to help ADD/ADHD).

This decision did not come easily for me.  For years I've been told I needed to medicate my son, and for years I've cried myself to sleep over it (especially lately).  I am so afraid of adding chemicals to my son's already chemically imbalanced brain.  I am afraid that one medication will lead to two, two will lead to three, and so on.  I am afraid the first medication and/or dose won't work and I'll have to put my son through a whole string of medications and dosages before finding the right combination for him.  I pray none of my anxieties will be realized and this will be easy for him.   I have wrongly sat in judgement of other parents who have chosen to medicate their children and to them, I apologize.  While I do believe some parents might choose medication because it's the easy path for unruly children, there are the rest of us who are genuinely trying to help our children just be able to function in society.  That's all I want for my son.  I love him more than anything; he's one of the few true gifts I'll receive in this lifetime here on Earth.  I want him to do better than just survive.  I want better for him than what he has right now.  As his mom, I owe it to him to try every avenue of support and help.   Please don't judge my decision unless you've walked in my shoes.

I talked with Noah about this new tool on our way home.   I've approached the medication issue with him before (would this be something he'd be willing to try if the doctor suggested it), so this wasn't entirely new to him.  I did my best to explain that this won't make the AS go away, that it is not a cure.  I told him that it will help with some of the behaviors and symptoms he has a tough time controlling.  I explained the ultimate goal with this medicine is to eventually wean him off it, once he has the tools and knowledge to control his behaviors and symptoms on his own.  I told him it won't work be magic, it will take several weeks for us to see any differences, and it could even be possible that we'll have to try more than one medicine.   Then we prayed over that medicine bottle, prayed for God's will, patience, strength, acceptance and perseverance.   Noah was eager to start taking it last night because, as he told me, "Mom, I just want to get better."  Somehow, I managed to keep those tears in until after he went to bed!  It never ceases to amaze me just how many times a mother's heart can break.  And it never ceases to amaze me just how many times God can put our hearts back together.

I am still not entirely comfortable with this decision, even though I know it was the logical next step.  Shawn and I are still not seeing entirely eye to eye on it either, even though we both know it's one of Noah's best options right now.  We are placing this in God's hands and going from there.  For now, that's all we know how to do.  And for now, it's the best thing to do.

2 Corinthians 5:7 "We live by faith, not by sight." (NIV)