Motive/7x70

I've been doing my best to keep this blog post at bay all weekend, but here it is.  These are things I need to get out because if I keep them in my head any longer, I feel like I will explode.  I have done my best to occupy myself with happier moments for the last 48 hours, but now the emotions and tears are crashing in around me, threatening to crush me.

Noah and I (and Shawn and Avery) had two of his friends over yesterday and I watched happily as Noah was just a normal, 10 year old little boy, romping around the yard all day long with his friends, Avery doing his very best to keep up with the 3 older children.  Even when they climbed a tree in our backyard, Avery was still at the bottom, barking orders at them.  But my thoughts and emotions were still in the back of my mind.  


Shawn and Noah set up camp in the backyard Friday night and have yet to come in the house this weekend.  Noah has been cooking on the campfire, showered only for church this morning, helped his little brother make s'mores and told ghost stories with his dad.  I happily (and secretly) watched from inside the house at 5:30 yesterday morning when he got up before Shawn to gather wood for the breakfast campfire, building it just to the camping book's specifications, so he could make his dad proud (he did).  But my thoughts and emotions were still in the back of my mind.


This morning in church, I listened to a much needed message about Motive.  About my own and about second-guessing the motives of others when they hurt you.  This was a message I clearly needed to hear because it was perfectly aimed at the thoughts and emotions in the back of my mind:  For years after the family fight that followed my parent's divorce and my father's remarriage, I have filled in the holes of what I don't know for fact with my own imagination.  I have disobeyed God and been un-Christlike by filling the story in with possible false negatives instead of concentrating on the positives about the people in my own family.   In doing so, I have judged my father and my sister (perhaps wrongly; either way, it's not up to me judge them, their motives or their actions) and sunk to their level, allowing the devil to place strongholds in my life (Ephesians 4:26).

So, what started this whirlwind of thoughts and emotions I've been trying to keep at bay all weekend?  Several weeks ago, I received an odd message from God that I would have a chance to apologize to my sister and ask her forgiveness.  It completely threw me off kilter and left me reeling.  My sister and I have not spoken in nearly 5 or 6 years.  How was I going to have the opportunity to ask her forgiveness (Matthew 19:26)?  For those of you who don't believe in messages from God, I do, and they do happen, you just have to be receptive to them (and you have to be able to discern if they really are from God).  Maybe if I explained how it happened, it would make more sense, but this isn't the blog for that.  The next day, my dear niece gave me an invitation to her youngest brother's birthday party that she was giving him, telling me that my sister would be there.  BINGO.  Ever since, I have been on edge, anxious and nervous.  My "daddy issues" have been larger than life and my old feelings of anger and bitterness have been slowly working their way back into my life.  Thank goodness Dear Old Dad wouldn't be there.  I've felt like the teenager on her way to prom with the popular guy--"Is he going to like me?!", only I've been wondering that about my own sister.

I got my answer today.  I hugged my youngest nephew, thrilled with the chance to see him and to be able to wish him a happy birthday.  He was close to two by the time I actually even knew about him, closer to three before I met him.   Upon seeing my two oldest nephews, whom I haven't seen in several years, I burst into tears.  I couldn't believe how tall they've gotten and how handsome they are!  I was totally taken by surprise by my own emotions.  My dear sweet niece, always so aware of everything, asked if I needed some time alone, but I wanted to get things over with, so I headed into the kitchen where my sister was, ready to beg her forgiveness for everything I said so many years ago. We both said some very nasty things, but because of who we each are, I've always known the apology would have to come from me first. I wanted to hug her (and for her to hug me back), to tell her how much I miss her (and to hear that she missed me), to tell her how much my family is going through and how much I desperately need a sister right now.  Maybe I even needed to hear that she desperately needed me, too.  Then I wanted to run as fast as I could from my niece's house when my own sister wouldn't even acknowledge me.  She wouldn't say hi to me, she wouldn't even look at me.  She did her best to ignore me.  My own sister wouldn't even acknowledge my sons, including the 22 month old nephew she's never even met.  She never introduced herself to Avery, she never said hi to Noah.  I never did get the chance to ask my sister's forgiveness, but somehow managed to survive the party.

I constantly tell myself that my family is the reason God has gifted me with such wonderful friends, but sometimes, as much as I love and appreciate my dear friends, I just really want a sister.  I can't walk through Hallmark and not feel like crying when I see those silly, mushy-gushy, sister-love signs and cards.  I can't help but feel a bit jealous when two sisters I know have such an exceptional relationship.  I know that is wrong of me because I really do have terrific friends who are almost like sisters, and in many ways, better.  They know my secrets and love me anyway!  When I hugged Noah tonight and apologized for the way my sister treated him, I tried to concentrate on the positives:  "This is why we have Mrs S and Mrs B and Miss H and so many others!  They love you just like one of their own."  He looked at me, smiled and said our made-up word for the friends God has given us to make up for family: "Fremily," but I could see the hurt and pain in his eyes.  Noah already faces so much rejection and criticism, that to face it from the people who, in his mind, are supposed to love him unconditionally, hurts even more.  As a child who craves acceptance and only wants to please everyone, this cuts him deeply, to suffer for the sins of his mother.  Avery doesn't know the difference because he's never met her, but some day he'll wonder and I worry that I'll see the hurt and pain in his eyes, too.   If I can't explain her behavior to myself, how am I supposed to explain her rejection to them? I'm angry for the way my children were treated today, for the way they've been treated over the past several years.

Somewhere, in all of this, I need to just learn to let go.  My father doesn't care, my sister doesn't seem to care.  I need to move on because the only person I'm hurting now is myself, and in that process, I'm hurting my children and my husband.  I'm teaching my children to stay stuck, I'm teaching them to hang on to strongholds.  I'm teaching them anger, bitterness and ungratefulness.  Instead of setting a Christlike example for my children, I am displaying that of a sinner.  I also need to just forgive myself for my actions in the past, which will be a big part of moving on.  I made a huge mistake and yes, it cost me my sister and father, but looking back, just how healthy were those relationships to begin with?  If time can't heal these wounds, if my own father has allowed his wife to choose herself over his daughters for him, if my sister can't see the forest for the trees: Are these people I should have in my life, and in my children's lives, in the first place?  I also need to forgive them.  Forgiveness has been a popular theme on the radio recently, thanks to a new song called "7x70" by Chris August.  Because of this song and everything leading up today, forgiveness has also been on my brain.  I just want this part of my life over with.  I need to rid my heart of this pain, anger and bitterness; forgiveness for myself, my father and my sister are the only way to do that.  I need to stop playing The Blame Game.

I wish I could sum this blog up on one of my standard "so I solved my problem with my usual sunny/snarky disposition" anecdotes, but unfortunately, I know I will still struggle with this.  I will lose sleep tonight and I will cry a little longer.  I need to wallow a bit.  As I've learned through my grief training, it's okay to wallow as long as I don't allow it to consume me and I snap out of it in a day or two.  I keep telling myself it's time to move on with my life.  I needed to know if things had changed between me and my sister.  Now I do, and they haven't.  Now it is time to concentrate on the important, positive people in my life: my immediate family and our fremily.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me?  Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV)