A Belated Memorial Day Post

I am a very patriotic person.  I love seeing our country's flag flying in the wind.  Hearing our National Anthem on the radio every day at noon never fails to bring tears to my eyes. There is something about placing my hand over my heart when I recite our Pledge of Allegiance that makes my heart flutter.   I am eternally grateful for the many sacrifices our serviceman and women, and their families, make each and every day, to make our world a safer place for us and our children. Thoughts of what our country suffered on 9/11/2001 still bring me to my knees.  I don't know if it has to do with being raised military, but I hope I never lose my patriotism and appreciation for my country and the freedoms we have.

The Washington Post Sunday edition  had an excellent article about the soldiers who guard the Tomb of the Unknown Soldiers.  I wanted Noah to read it, but because some of it was a little above him, and because he also wasn't too enthusiastic about his assignment, my mom, who is visiting for the week, sat down and read it with him.  As a military wife, she had some insight to offer him as she read the article.  I stopped them a few a times because I had some insight of my own (naturally).  I wanted Noah to understand that even though some of the men in this tomb have never been identified (thanks to the advances in DNA, some of them now have been, so their families now have the peace of mind of knowing their loved ones are back on US soil), they still deserve the respect of a proper military burial. They still deserve the respect of being guarded and properly memorialized.  I explained to Noah that these gentlemen gave their lives for our country; they left everything they knew and loved behind knowing they probably wouldn't return.  They were someone's dad, brother, husband or son.  I could imagine Noah picturing a jumble of bones inside the sarcophagus, so I explained to him that each gentleman has their own little coffin inside the big tomb; each one is respectfully separated.  Many times, as my mom read the article out loud, I cried openly.  The visual image of the WWII veterans strugging to rise from their wheelchairs to salute the young man guarding the Unknowns was too much for me (according to the young man, it was almost too much for him as well.  I think I can safely say I almost love him for that.  I certainly respect him for it.).  Because Noah understands the word "ministry" due to the work we do at the center, I explained to him that to the soldiers who guard the tomb, this is more than a job, more than a career, it's an honor:  this is their ministry.

To all of you who serve:  moms, dads, children:  THANK YOU.  To all of you who have served, THANK YOU.   To all of you who have yet to serve, THANK YOU. May blessings always be abundant for you and your families.

An Open Letter to My Newest Follower: You are a Brave Young Woman

Hi,
I was going to message you on your blog, but I thought there still might be others out there who need to hear this message you and I are sharing.  You are sharing it from the victim's standpoint, I am sharing it from the mother of a victim's standpoint.  Can you tell me please, what is a better term than victim?  Survivor, maybe?  You sound like a survivor to me.  I hope this is okay, I've kind of called you out, without really calling you out.  Maybe another mom or another young person will pick something out of this blog, or follow mine to yours and seek help.  I hope I don't embarrass you, that is not my intent.

First, I want you to know how much I admire you.  You have humbled me and touched my heart.  I'm just a mom on the front lines, but you, you are really on the front lines.  I read your blogs, and yes, you do have quite a bit to say!  I have a feeling you are wise beyond your years.  I am so glad you talked to your mom about what happened to you.  So many young people don't.  I fear what would have happened if Noah hadn't told me and my husband about his problems at school.  With his Asperger's, we're lucky he did.  Even better, I'm so glad she listened to you and believed you.  It's obvious she loves you and wants what is best for you. She even went so far as to move you to a new house, something we were never able to do for our son,  not for our lack of trying.  I still can't send him outside in his own backyard to play without wondering what will happen, so either myself or my husband have to go out with him (and his brother) to keep guard because the bullies live right next door.  He is seldom able to ride his bike in the street, where they dominate, and he can't even walk to my niece's house, which is right around the corner.  We know of other families who have had problems with this family, but no one will stand up to them because of everything that happened to our family when we tried.

Noah's bullying began in kindergarten, almost right away, and the things I could tell you would make your toes curl.  He would get in the car crying every afternoon (at school), refuse to get out of the car in the morning.  The school was no help, the police were no help (the parents were/are part of the problem).  Because the school refused to acknowledge the problem we couldn't move him to another school within the county.  We put our house on the market and began building another house in another county, which allowed us to move Noah to another school in that county.  Unfortunately, our house never sold and we had to move him back.  It was the most difficult day of my life.  We finally moved him to a private school, but after his Asperger's diagnosis, we began homeschooling him.  That was the easiest decision of my life!  :)

I'm sure you've been through the ringer, too.  I tell Noah that God has big plans for him.  Noah is a very sensitive child and wears his heart on his sleeve.  He's going to come out stronger because of all of this and somewhere, somehow, he's going to touch someone's life and make a difference.  Even if he doesn't know it, he will.  I noticed in your blog that your mom said something similar to you as well.  I do believe you are already stronger!  I don't know what the bullies said to you and I don't need to know.  You've already made a difference in one other young lady's life and only God Himself knows how many other young people you've touched with your blogs and videos.  You sound like a smart young woman. You are light years beyond the bullies and even though I don't have the right to be, I'm proud of you for that.  I'm proud of you for being bigger than them.  I'm proud of you not caving to their taunts and awful ways.  Their bullying shows their immaturity; you being able to move on, you being able to help others: That shows your maturity and level-headedness.  That, my dear, shows your awesomeness!

My own faith runs deep and I know that's what gets us through each day.  One day, some day, somehow, justice will be served on Noah's bullies.  I know his bullies need help; they need love, compassion and attention, too.  It helps me understand them a little better, but it doesn't excuse their continued behavior.  Calling the police or social services is not the answer, even though to some people it may sound like it would be.  For us, it would only make matters worse; in our neighborhood, it would be obvious who called them and retaliation is always a worry for us.  When Noah was in school and we tried that tactic, the next day at school was always the worst for him.

We parents do our best to teach our children to be individuals; as, you said, being "you is okay," but then that is why most children are bullied.  So many schools are now giving children diversity training.  My first thought to that was, "Great, let's highlight what's different and make it the problem worse!"  We're trying to teach Noah, because he is different, that it's okay to be different, that it's okay to be himself.  It makes me sad when I see young people who think they need to conform to to society.  I delight in what makes us all individuals and it makes me happy when I see people celebrating that in themselves.  You are correct in your blog, God absolutely does not make mistakes, so why do so many of us humans think He does?  I had a pin that says, "God Don't Make Junk."  It was given to me as a teenager.  I carried it for years in my purse, gave it to Noah at one point, then we displayed it proudly as a family on our kitchen bulletin board until we passed it on to a friend going through a difficult time.

I'm so happy that you are able to smile with all of your heart, after everything you have been through and that you are able to be you.  You are so correct: words do hurt, but words can also heal.

So, here is to those healing words, dear, wise, young lady.  I pray the best for you at your new you school, with your friends, in your home, in your town.  Know that others out there are praying for you, wanting the best for you and others who are being bullied.  There are parents who care and we really are trying to do what we can to make this world a safer place for our children.  And, there are quite obviously young people like you who are doing the same.  My hat is off to you.  Keep up the good, encouraging work.  :)

PS:  Keep talking to your mom.  Don't let that line of communication die, okay?  Even if it's just two words a day, keep talking to her.  She loves you.

Mother Warrior: Anti-Bullying

We removed Noah from public school for many reasons.  One of them was that he was being bullied by our neighbors.  We couldn't get anyone in the school, the school district or the police to give us the time of day.  No one would acknowledge the problem.  If Noah couldn't be safe in his own back yard, he needed to be safe at school (or vice versa).  Our house wasn't selling, so the only other option was to move Noah to a different school.  The things that are coming out from him now about the private school he attended really aren't much better.  Things got better for a little while when he was first there, but things were getting worse for him again before we pulled him this year.  I know I can't teach my son to run every time a situation gets bad, but I really don't know what else to do when people choose to remain ignorant.  As a parent, it's been a very long, incredibly frustrating road.  I can only imagine what it's been like for Noah.  Sometimes he tells me things that make me want to lock myself in a closet where he can't hear me yell, scream and cry in anger and frustration for him.  Other times I want to take him and run further from the world than we already have.

I had the chance to attend an anti-bullying seminar today.  My first impressions were that I was the only one who probably wasn't being forced to be there, I was probably the only non-professional (ie, I'm pretty sure I was the only one there strictly as a mom) and the only person not from a big agency or school (I left eight hours later with pretty much the same impressions).   I felt a little awkward when everyone at my table was introducing themselves, flashing their credentials, claiming to be bored but happy to have a day away from their students, so when it was my turn, I said in the proudest voice I could muster, "I'm a concerned homeschooling mom of two.  We gave up on the school system when our oldest son was routinely bullied and no one would listen."  No one at my table was quite sure what to say to that.....  I have a habit of leaving people speechless sometimes, and not always in a good way.

There were several speakers and many scary facts presented.  We heard from two different school districts today and while one of the plans is honestly a little hokey (peace, love and Kumbya), it WORKS.  It's a system in which even the teachers have to be publicly accountable for their actions and behaviors.  The students are responding well to it and bullying rates are going down.  The second school system has yet to implement their program.  One professor spoke about cyberbullying and honestly, I'm beginning to wonder why I'm still even on the internet after listening to her!  YIKES!  The scariest facts presented were the basics about the bullies and the victims, the impacts the crimes and violence have and the the long-term effects.  Both the Secret Service and the FBI have tried to profile bullies and their victims and while they have a basic idea of what makes up both of them, it's a still a needle-in-a-haystack approach.

As the mom of a child who has been bullied, one of the things that continues to anger me is the misconception that the school shooters are the only problem children, or the primary problem children (please understand I am not excusing their actions.  Their actions must be punished, but let's have a little understanding of where these angry children are coming from.).  I am in no way condoning the actions of the children and teens who take what they consider to be retribution against their abusers; however, after everything we've been through through with Noah, I do sadly understand it.  Many times, these children wouldn't be problems (or problems to this extent) if the bullying problem had been taken care of. Yes, the acts they commit are horrible and terrible.  But the acts committed against them are also horrible and terrible, and they happen day in and day out, sometimes over weeks or months and sometimes even over years (as in our case).  The media loves to point fingers at the children who point the weapons.  I remember very vividly the day Noah told me he wanted to hurt the children who were bullying him.  He then told me that if he couldn't hurt them, he was going to hurt himself, because those were the only two solutions he could think of to end the torture.  He was in second grade.  I remember my frustration and anger with the system I had to fight against.  I still don't know what scared me more: the fact that I actually believed my child or the fact that I couldn't get anyone at the school to believe us/him (yet again).  The following year we moved Noah to private school.  My heart aches for these kids.  When they pull the trigger (start the fight, pull the knife, end their own lives), they see it as a last resort, the only answer:  No one has listened, no one has helped them, no one has stood up for them or with them, they have been turned out on their own.  They want the bullying to stop, they want the pain to end, they want it to be over, and at that point, they don't care how it ends, just as long as it does.  Does this excuse their actions?  No, it certainly doesn't.

The bullies themselves are often victims as well.  Often they are victims in their own homes.  Does that excuse their actions?  No, it certainly doesn't, but it explains a lot about the kids we've dealt with (and are still dealing with).

There are plenty of studies being done on how to help bullies and their victims.  Plenty of projects and anti-bullying programs being implemented across the country.  Some of them seem to be helping. These programs are only as good as the people who back them up and support them, though.  What do you do when the school won't acknowledge the problem?  What do you do when the bully's parents are part of the problem?  Unfortunately, no one had those answers for me today.  Many people have asked us why we don't just move.  We tried that: our house sat on the market for 3 1/2 years, but in this economy, no one is buying a house for what it's worth anymore.  For now, homeschooling Noah (again, for a variety of reasons) and protecting him is the best I can do.

I went today to gather information.  I'm not sure what to do with it yet.  I'm putting together a binder for our center because, as I've mentioned before, we're hearing from other parents that this is a problem and that they are looking for Christian counseling for their children, which isn't readily available.  We're hearing that the schools aren't listening and aren't doing anything to help their children.  We can start building resources to help these children and their parents with the process of healing and the process of learning how to deal with the bullies.  Maybe we can even start reaching out to some of the schools.

Overall, I'm glad I went today.  I was able to gather a lot of valuable resources and I'm doing what is best for my son.

Just In Case You Ever Wonder

Today was my grandfather's burial.  Because it was in Maine, I missed it, as I also missed his funeral.  It's been a lot harder for me than I thought it would be.  I think in some ways it's delayed my healing process, even though it hasn't been anything that anyone could have helped.

I've also been following the news accounts of the tornado in Joplin.  It's an emotional train wreck for me.  I internalize a lot of things and this is one of them.  I have such a hard time with the pain, but I can't stay away from it.  I'm sure some of my friends will soon be responding there once they are finished with Alabama, Louisiana and Mississippi.  This is a busy season for disaster responders.  Some day I'll get my turn; is it odd that I want to respond to disasters?  Not in the sense that you might be thinking, the looky-loo sense.  I've trained for it, now I just need the emotional backbone to be able to do it. Until then, I'll sit here in Virginia and pray for everyone's safety.

Tomorrow will have been my mother-in-law's 59th birthday.  She never got to see Shawn and I get married, never got to meet her grandchildren.  I feel blessed that I was able to know her when Shawn and I dated in high school, but I feel gipped when I think about how our sons never got to know her.  She was a wonderful woman, taken from us too soon.

So, to say it's an emotional week would be putting it mildly.  I have to remind myself that God is in all of this somehow.  He is prevailing, as always.  I will heal from my grandfather's death, we will someday heal from the death of my mother-in-law and the families in the mid-west will heal, survive and conquer everything they are going through.  How do I know this?  Because I have faith.

Before bedtime tonight, Avery brought his three books to the chair for me to read to him.  One of them wasn't one of his usuals.  It was Max Lucado's "Just in Case You Ever Wonder."  It talks about how much we, as parents love our children, what gifts they are, how unique God made them and about teaching our children about heaven and God.  My tears caught me off guard, even though they shouldn't have.  My almost-two year old's reaction to my tears caught me even more off guard.  I don't like crying in front of my children, but I couldn't help it tonight.  There was just too much to hold back.  He furrowed his little brow at me, patted my face with his little hand, then rubbed my cheek with his blankie while whispering, "It's okay, Mommy."  Who knew a two year old could not only have such compassion, but know how to show it?  I held him a little tighter, snuggled him a little closer and thanked God for the gift that Avery is to us.  And this is where God prevails in my own little world.

Cat Drama, Car Drama and Kid Drama

If you are in need of a good laugh, then this is the blog post for you!!!  These sorts of things only happen in Left Field....
*Disclaimer:  No kitties, children or cars were hurt in the writing of this blog.  Okay, okay, maybe the cars were hurt a little bit......


Cat Drama
Remember Jethro Jenkins Furr, one of our Left Field Kitties?  Well, he's a year old now, weighing in at 15 pounds.  He's still a nut job (to put it nicely; if I were to not put it nicely, I'd just say he's an idiot) and loving life.  Most days he still tries to tell me he is not meant to be an indoor kitty, but I've won that argument.  He's a good snuggler and still very humanly expressive at times.

Jethro almost had to have exploratory surgery last week (and I'm pretty sure he did not learn his lesson).  Avery brought a balloon home from his playgroup, which Jethro quickly claimed as his own new toy.  He caught the ribbon in his teeth and ran around the house with it.  At first, I thought it was cute.  Then I realized it was a dangerous mistake.  Jethro was eating the ribbon; by the time I got to him (leaping the dining room table--why do we have a dining room table?--shoving the children out of the way--why do we have children?--tripping over the dog--why do we have a dog?), he'd eaten a good 6 inches of it, clipped the ribbon, causing the rest of the ribbon and the balloon to wrap around the ceiling fan in the sunroom.  It all happened with that "NOOOOOO!" feeling of slow motion that you can only watch but can't do anything to stop or control.  I called the vet (I'm thinking, "Stupid cat." She's thinking, "Stupid owner.") and was told to induce vomiting (oh joy) with hydrogen peroxide.  Half a teaspoon (Shawn said, "Did you tell her this is a FIFTEEN POUND CAT?!") down his throat, wait a half hour, then another half teaspoon.  The cat refused to puke, but he did plenty of glaring.  It turned into a game of "wait and see."  Jethro clearly did not feel well and I did not sleep well that night, getting up every time Jethro waddled off the bed to follow him and check on him.  No puke, no poop, but he wasn't twisting in pain or complaining either.  I ended up taking him to "work" with me the next day because I was scared to death of coming home to a dead cat.  Chaplain Liz was so sweet, allowing me to bring him inside as long as he stayed in his carrier.  Naturally, he complained, howling pitifully.  Chaplain Liz left on an errand and my dear little old ladies did their best to convince me to let him out of his carrier!  I gave him 2 tsp of flax oil later that afternoon in the hopes of "encouraging" the process, but to the best of my knowledge, nothing big happened.  Jethro is doing fine now, back to his idiotic self.  I never did find evidence of the ribbon, but I'm just glad it's over!

Oh, and I also managed to rescue the ceiling fan before Shawn came home!  I'm still not sure which he would have preferred, the expense of a new ceiling fan or the expense of feline exploratory surgery!

Car Drama
It never ends.  I'm positive Shawn's car is out to get me, I just know it is.  My mom says I'm giving it too much power, but you know, it's one of them new fancified hybrid 'lectric cars, so you just never know what those things are up to.  We had to swap cars the other day and when I got back to it after having been away from it all day, it locked me out.  No lie, the little button key thing wouldn't work.  By the time I finally figured out how to get the actual key out of the thingamajig and get the door unlocked that way, the car wouldn't start.  Of course, there's no place to put an actual key in this car.  You just have the key on your person (we've been down this road before...), push the button and hope the car likes you.  In this case, the car hates me.  With a passion.  I had to call Shawn to come rescue me from his man-eating car.   Don't worry, I kicked the tires a few times before he got there (and yes, this time I had the right car!). Turned out, the car had been left on all day, by SHAWN, when he had come out to pump the tire up for me, so the battery had died.  And when the battery dies in these cars, you can't get in, you can't get out, can't get anywhere.  We couldn't even figure out how to get in the trunk (no keyhole...) to get to the battery.  This is where I'd like to thank God for blessing us with Asperger's.  We turned Noah loose in the car and he found the anti-kidnapping latch on the inside, popped it from there.  :)  

Later, Shawn was backing my jeep out of the garage and took the refrigerator out with the fender flare.  I now have a nice little wrinkle in my bumper.  He was able to pop the fender flare back in, thank goodness.  This is the 3rd fridge to have an accident in our garage.  Not sure if this was Freudian on his part or not.....


Kid Drama
And what would one of my posts be without a Noah story?!  Incomplete!

I still forget how literal Noah is.  I'm not sure I will ever learn this lesson.   On some of my more frazzled days, I have, on occasion, threatened to leave my children on the side of the road.  I would never actually do that; the threat alone seems to do the trick.  Coming home from the grocery store the other day was one such occasion.  Unfortunately, it was also a day I had to make an "emergency landing" on the side of the road right after making such a threat.  Oops.  Avery's car seat straps became uncomfortably twisted and he started screaming, then he started struggling with the straps, making them more twisted.  There really isn't a safe place to pull over on the highway I was traveling, so when I found a place, I had to quickly slam on the brakes and just pull over.  I looked in the rear view mirror just in time to see the look on Noah's face: "Oh no, she's lost it.  We've done it now.  She's really gonna leave us on the side of the road!"  Before I could get two words out to explain what was happening and what I was really doing, he started crying and begging me, "I'm so sorry we're being bad!  Please at least leave us with your phone so we can call Daddy or the police to come get us!"  Well, there goes my Mother of the Year Award again this year.....

A Spur of the Moment Day Out With the Boys

I had to drive into the "city" today for a doctor's appointment.  My doctor is not far from Shawn's office, so we had lunch with him.  During lunch, Noah asked if we could go to the Air and Space Museum.  For those of you who don't know me, or haven't already surmised this, I'm not a spur of the moment mom.  I started thinking about what waited for us when we arrived home and realized we had nothing to rush home for, though.  Avery would fall asleep in the car, accomplishing only an hour nap on the ride home, it was due to rain and we would be cooped up in the house with a grouchy toddler, a grumpy mommy and a hyper ten year old.  Not really a good mix.  I knew I actually had cash in my wallet (for the parking fee) for a change, I had the stroller in the car and everything else I needed for an afternoon excursion, so everyone's jaws dropped when I said, "Sure, let's go!"  Noah gave me a quick hug and the requisite "You're the best mom EVER!" accolades (those feel good, especially after being the worst mom EVER the day before!).  We returned Shawn to work and off we went.

I'm really glad I listened to Noah because we had a great time before we even got out of the car.  I loosened the reigns and let Noah be his Aspy self.  He amazed me by showing me just how smart he is.  I know my kid is smart, but I still have those "Wow, my kid is really smart" moments.

Noah is notorious for his "I have a question!" moments in Scouts.  Never fails, every single field trip and event, Noah has a ton of questions.  I know, it's how kids learn.  But what we are trying to teach Noah is that if he will allow the guides/leaders to finish their tours--to finish their sentences--chances are good his questions will probably be answered.  Well, he didn't disappoint me today, either!  Not even 10 seconds into the elevator trip up to the observation deck, as the dear grandfatherly docent was giving his speech, Noah blurted out, "I have a question!"  I tried to smile apologetically to the other people on the elevator, then hung my head.  A dear older lady patted my arm and said, "Asking questions is good.  Foster that in him.  I can tell he's a smart boy."  If she only knew.  Once on the observation deck, I allowed him to run (within limits) while I read the little informative billboards to him and Avery.

Clear for take off!

It was at this time that another little boy caught my eye and I began to wonder, "Aspergers?" and I noticed that Noah had caught his mom's eye, too.  We moms worked our way towards each other and eventually we were standing next to each other.  She whispered to me, "Aspergers?"  I whispered back, "Yep. Yours?"  She nodded her head.  It's funny how I can recognize it so easily in other children but was able to deny it in my own for so many years.  

Back on the elevator, back to exploring.  Avery was thrilled with the many airplanes hanging from the ceiling, all of them lined up by row on the floor.  Noah's favorite is the SR-71 Blackbird (thank you, Transformers).  As we walked up and down the aisles, he would call out, "That's the --, that one is the --, that's the ---," and give me rundown on each of them, no matter if it was a jet/airplane, a missile, a gun or weapon of some sort, whatever.  He did this all without ever stopping to read any of the little information blurbs in front of each one.  I had to double-back each time with Avery, read the blurbs and see if he was correct.  Duh, of course he was!  This child reads non-stop and will read about anything and everything. He memorizes all of it, knows it by rote.

When we reached the space exploration wing, Noah became very frustrated with me.  He was trying to describe something with legs that lands on the moon and does such-and such.  He wanted the name for it, "You know Mom--the THING!"  He wasn't just frustrated with me, he was frustrated with himself and I sensed a meltdown approaching.  I could see yet another grandfatherly docent out of the corner of my eye watching us with amusement, thinking, "Come on, please don't let me down!  Get over here and please tell me you know what he's talking about!"  Finally sensing he was needed (or seeing the look of panic on my face?!), he approached with his big binder of information and picturing, asking if he could be of assistance (boy, could he ever!).  Noah described the thing with legs again and we learned it is a Lunar Landing Module. Whew, crisis averted!  He and Noah then carried on a ten minute conversation as this wonderful gentleman shared his knowledge with Noah and Noah shared his with him.  After we thanked him, as we were leaving, the man asked me how old my son is and said he was impressed with Noah's knowledge, "Ma'am, how does he know all of this?  You have a REALLY smart kid on your hands."  Second time today I've heard that!  I shook his hand and said, "Thank you, sir.  He reads a lot and is homeschooled.  I appreciate your encouragement, you have no idea how much it means."

Back in the parking lot, we found an econoline van with several car seats and booster seats in it parked next to our jeep.  I laughed when I saw the bumper sticker.  Pretty sure the driver has a good sense of humor.

Avery did finally get his nap on the 2 hour, "rush hour" drive home.  He was wiped by the time we left.

 Listening to Noah tell Shawn and my mom about our excursion tonight, I realized that even though he was flitting all over the place while I was reading off all the information boards to him, he was still taking in all the information.  He still does the same things you and I do, he just does them differently.  When will I ever learn that?

I had a great, spur of the moment time with my boys today, even in left field, and I have the memories to prove it.  I'm so glad I listened to Noah, my wise little boy.

Setting Priorities

Okay, I admit it, I'm stealing the idea for this post from a dear friend's blog post.
Her post spoke right to my heart.  She was talking about the differences between things she has to do, wants to do and needs to do, prioritizing those things and spending more time with her family.  Can I just say:  WHOA?  How did she know the raging argument between my brain and my heart lately?  
Hehehehe....  Maybe because it's been raging between her own heart and brain?!

I started this blog last week on an entirely different note.  I was talking about how I need to cut back on my activities and concentrate more on my family.  Since then, I've realized that I really enjoy doing things for others and it is my lifeblood.  Doing things for others makes me happy, takes the focus off what's going on (wrong) with my life and helps me keep moving.  Serving others is how I serve God.  I love serving others and I love serving God.  I think I do need to cut back, but not with what I love doing.  Some things aren't negotiable:  our Monday night meals with my best friend and her boys is one of them that isn't. Helping my friends with their kids is another one that isn't.  Cooking meals for families in need is slightly negotiable, depending on their need.  Other things will be scrutinized. I still need to prioritize better, get back to basics and put my family first better.  I need to remember who I am, who my children are and who my husband is.  If I don't want to do it or don't have time for it, I'm going to say no, no matter who is asking (okay, that will be a little more difficult than said....).    If it's going to stress me out, NO.  If it's worth it, YES.  If God wants me to do it, YES.  I'm also telling myself that I'm going to stop feeling the need to give explanations and reasons if I need to say no.  Okay, we'll see how this goes!

This weekend was a big weekend.  One of the older Scout boys whose family has had a difficult year, made Eagle!  It was a big moment for this young man, his whole family, for the whole Troop and for all of us who have helped them through it.  I love helping get ready for the Eagle ceremonies--it gets me all teary and excited for getting Noah ready for his.  I take Noah with me and require him to help out, hoping that it will get him excited, too.  When my best friend texted me Friday night, explained how overwhelmed she was feeling in helping with this organization thing, could I please help out, this blog that I was in the middle of writing was the first thing I thought of.  She and I are both in the middle of horrible pain flares and it never crossed my mind to say no to her.  

Anyway, back on track....  I decided to leave the original post...  Maybe it will help someone else and some of it still applies....
I have never been able to say no.  I am a people pleaser, so if someone asks me to do something, I jump at the chance to help out, dive in or get involved, even if I don't want to, don't have time or it's not my thing.  I also have a Type A Personality (you're laughing--why?!) and that has never allowed me to admit when I can't do something.  I also suffer from that "If I don't do it, who will do it?" fear.  I'm trying to be better about it, but I am notorious for overbooking myself.  My family ultimately suffers for it.  My stress load increases, I get snippy and things go south.  Lately, my own plate is so full and I'm learning that the more I take on for others, the more of a chance I take that I will drop my plate.  If I drop it (when I drop it....), my family will suffer even more.  Why am I placing the needs of others before the needs of my own family?  This doesn't mean I need to be selfish, it only means I need to learn to prioritize better.

I unfairly scheduled last Saturday, this Saturday and next Saturday to be busy working without even consulting Shawn first.  It's not that I need to ask his permission, but I really should have talked with him.  He'll have the boys all day long and have to take both of them to Noah's social skills therapy.  It was rude and unthoughtful of me.  What if he had something he wanted to do?

A friend of mine recently seriously injured herself.  I haven't spoken with her in several months, but my first thought was to call and offer housecleaning, childcare and a meal.  I realized that a meal is not even within my means right now.  And housecleaning?  I just paid to have to my own house cleaned! How can I watch her toddler if I'm teaching Noah while chasing my own toddler?  I realized my best means of support for her right now are phone calls and prayer.  I'm so proud of myself for recently giving up the Awards Chair for our Scout Pack (of course, I sloughed it off onto another mom whose plate is just as full as my own.... Oh, the guilt!).  I deleted my Facebook account (and took up blogging....  oops....) several months ago because it was taking me away from my family.  I'm feeling the pull to be "Alabamy-bound" with my friends I trained with who are deploying for the disaster relief efforts, but I know now is not my time.  I could name numerous other things I do that really don't need me to do them.  I'm exhausting myself helping others and I have nothing left to give my family at the end of the day.

I need to get back to basics, back to my family.  I need to look at my To-Do List and decide which among all of these things are Have To Do, Need To Do and Want To Do (unfortunately, on this particular list, they are all absolutely Need To Do's and Have To Do's!).  Which among these are things I want to do and which among these are things God is calling me to do?  Which among these will cause my family to suffer?  Then I need to start crossing things off my list.

I am a homeschooling mom of two.  I have a child with special needs who needs my attention right now and needs to be taken to doctor's appointments and therapy appointments.  Avery needs his playgroup because he needs to be around other children his age.  I have a volunteer job that I love that needs my attention.  I have a husband who needs me.  I have God taking me in the direction of Parent Education.  I have my own health to consider.  I have to remember to take care of myself, socialize myself and do thing I love to do.  I don't want to neglect those who are in need, but I need to stop neglecting my family and my other duties.

Where is My Baby's 'Pause' Button???

Avery will be two in about 4 weeks.   We are planning a pirate party because that is his favorite thing to repeat:  "Avery, what does a pirate say?"  "ARRR!"  I have mixed feelings about my youngest turning two, though.  As long as we waited for him and as much as we struggled for him, sometimes it just doesn't seem fair that he is subject to the same time continuum and age processing as the rest of us.  Some days I just want to enjoy him the way he is right now just a little bit longer.  I wish I could pause him right now.  If only there were a button on his back, right there in the middle, where I can reach it, but he can't.  I'm just not ready for the leaps he is making.

I took the boys for haircuts today.  Avery has always sat in my lap to have his hair cut.  Today, he watched Noah climb out of the chair when he was finished; Avery crawled down from my lap in the chair we were waiting in and proudly climbed into the chair Noah had just vacated.  I wanted to tell him to get down, I wanted to cry, I wanted to tell him Mommy isn't ready for him to be such a big boy yet!  But he's ready to be a big boy, whether Mommy likes it or not.

I had really hoped Avery would give me a chance to slow down a bit.  I know every parent thinks their child is the smartest one in the world, but when you start receiving outside confirmation in the form of his playgroup teacher telling you it's time to move up to the two year old group when he's only 18 mos old, it's a little difficult to ignore.  Noah has always given me a run for my money ("Well Mom, you probably don't know the answer, so we should Google it.") and I was really hoping Avery wouldn't.  No such luck.  Avery's daycare also wanted to move him up the 2's class early, telling me he was definitely ready for it.  But what if I'm not????


Avery put his shoes on by himself today (even got them on the correct feet!) and helped bathe the dog the other day.  He knows his alphabet and counts to 20.  I love having smart, successful children and I want nothing more than the best for both of them!  It's not that I want my baby to stop growing, I just want him to slow down a little bit.  I want the snuggles and cuddles to count for a little bit longer, I want to enjoy the baby scent instead of the stinky boy smell, I want to remember these moments while I still have them and sometimes it just feels as though they are going in fast forward.  


Thank goodness he still insists on his after-nap snuggles and his after-bath rub downs (even though Daddy found out the hard way that insisting only Mommy does the rub downs gets him, well, giving Avery a rub down anyway!).  For now, I will cling to those moments!

Oh gosh, and Noah just said, "Just wait until he has his first crush!"  Where did I put those tissues?!

Whine a Bit, You'll Feel Better

Tonight's post comes from the bathtub (yes, I remembered to put water in it).  Two of the 'left field cats' are perched on the edge of the tub with me.  Knowing me, either the laptop, one of the kitties--or all three--will fall into the tub.  Yes, it's been another one of those days.


The migraine I've been working on for the past few days finally hit this morning.  I also woke up on the wrong side of a flare-up, fearing I was going to have ask Shawn to help me out of bed and wondering how I was going to get through the day.  Not a good way to start the day.  Today was also a work-from-home day for Shawn, and as much as I love my dear husband, and as much as these work-from-home days began as a way to help me out, they are now major stressors for me.  The kids don't understand that Daddy is supposed to be working and things usually go awry.

On to math with Noah, which he was busy resisting.  Household chores, which he was also busy resisting. A fussy toddler who probably had a headache from the head bonks he took yesterday, his lack of a nap yesterday and the fact that he only wanted to eat the "peem" (whipped cream) off his pancake for breakfast.  My body and brain were busy resisting everything else.

Then I had to deal with insurance again and a few other choice people and issues I didn't want to deal with.  I wish people would just do their jobs when they say they are going to do them and do them properly.  It would make my life so much easier.  I've had enough!

When we finally had a chance to settle down, I picked up some Gluten-Free/Casein-Free Living books that a friend of mine had given me.  It's something I've been tossing around for our family due to Noah's AS, some of Avery's behaviors and my own health.  I read one paragraph and it almost described Avery: waking up screaming, aggression, etc.  I read the list of Casein-foods and they are the only foods Noah eats.  How am I supposed to tell my son that he can't eat these foods because they make him sick when the point we've been trying to drive home is that he isn't sick?  If I can make their lives easier by just changing diets, why am I not doing it?  As I watched my sons wolf down the gluten-FULL, casein-FULL pizzas I had slaved away all afternoon and evening to prepare and bake, I burst into tears.  What am I doing to my children?  I've never jumped on the "vaccinations did this to my child" band wagon.  My children are both fully vaccinated.  Both of my children receive antibiotics when they are sick.  Avery gets "chocolate wasted" a little more often than the average 2 year old should.  I allow Noah the occasional drink from Starbucks.   But I worry about what GMOs, non-organic foods and all these additives are doing to my children.  I've decided to take a somewhat pro-active approach.  I'm going to begin keeping food journals for both boys.  If I can prove that the food dyes, gluten, casein and other additives are causing problems for our sons, then I can take further action from there.  Then maybe I can get someone to listen to me and take me seriously.  

Today Was A Good Day

The boys and I got back to basics a little bit today.

We were early for Noah's horseback riding lesson, so I took them down the park and lake that is behind the horseback riding facility rather than sit in the car and wait our turn.  I'm so glad I did!  What a great time we had exploring.  I can't wait to take them back!  It was a beautiful park.  We saw all kinds of wildlife, the scenery was gorgeous and quiet.  Avery had a fun time chasing these crazy little birds that were running in the sand.  Noah was fascinated with the turtle we found and the family of Canadian Geese (Mom, Dad and 4 babies).

Noah's lesson went well today.  He had a group lesson instead of his usual individual lesson today, but it went really well.  He played Red Light, Green Light on his horse with the other little boy, who was also on his horse!  It was so much fabulous fun to watch!  They also "raced" around the corral, as best as two little boys with side walkers and lead walkers can race!  Avery did his best to cheer them on, yelling, "Go pippy pops, go!" from the paddock.

We also had a field trip to a local dog kennel for some dog safety lessons, therapy dog training and an agility dog demonstration.  What fun that was!  We met Jasmine, the therapy dog and Teddy, the 8 year old dog who took the agility course in, shall we say--stride?!  Jasmine was thrilled to meet Avery, but Avery wasn't as excited to meet Jasmine.  And of course, Tommy, the Attack Rooster.  Avery felt much safer from Tommy on Shawn's shoulders.  Fun was had by all!

All in all, it was a good in left field....

Mother's Day

I celebrated my 10th Mother's Day today. 

It really didn't get off to a good start (it got off to the usual Aspergian start), but we decided on the way to church to wipe the slate clean and start over.  It ended up being a good day.  Shawn and the boys did their best to treat me like a queen and make me happy (which they try very hard to do most days!).  I look at the two boys I've been blessed with here on Earth, I think about my baby in heaven, I think about my prayers for another child and I know how blessed I am.  Sometimes I forget that.

But some days motherhood is just downright hard.  Some days, I hear something brewing down the hallway as I stir in my bed, trying to wake up and I don't want to get up.  I just don't want to do it.  Some days it's unrewarding.  Some days, when I don't get the warm fuzzies from Noah, when I don't get the feeling that I'm doing everything I can for him, I wonder and I worry that I'm doing it all wrong.  Today started off this way.  I have to do this, though.  I have a family who counts on me.  I'm accountable for these children.  I don't get a choice, I just do these things.  And at the end of the day, I realize I wanted to do this after all.  And I think maybe I'm not messing up too badly after all.   I love these children more than life itself.  They are the most important gifts I will ever receive on this Earth and I must treat them as such.  They have been entrusted to me for only a time and in that time, it's up to me to impart as much knowledge and love as I can upon them.


Our pastor's message today was based off Gary Smalley's book For Better or For Best.  In accordance to Mother's Day, he talked about the six Inner Beauty Qualities that Gary Smalley addresses in his book.  First though, Pastor Nick talked about the difference between a buffalo and a butterfly (which isn't part of the book, but Shawn and I had such a laugh over it, I had to put it in here).  Even though Pastor Nick was going in the direction of the husbands in the relationships being the buffalos, the wives being the butterflies and how we both temper each other, Shawn and I had a good giggle over it because we are both buffalos!  There are no butterflies in this household....  


Okay, back to Gary Smalley and his book...  The six Inner Beauty Qualities are Courage, Persistence (Shawn has always called this nagging.  I'm SO relieved Pastor Nick set him straight this morning!), Gratefulness, Calmness, Gentleness and Genuine Love.  I've got Persistence down to a science; I'm working on my Courage, Gratefulness and Genuine Love.  Calmness and Gentleness?   Hmmm.  Those need a lot more of prayerful work.  My dear husband told me I have them down better than I realize.  Have I mentioned lately how much I love him and how grateful I am for him?  As for Calmness and Gentleness, I tend to think of myself as the tornado in the middle of the hurricane with some major thunderstorms thrown in for good measure.


Pastor Nick also addressed the task of Motherhood, using 2 Timothy 4:5-8 as an example.  He talked about Motherhood as a ministry, mothers as evangelists.  Wow, I think I've thought of it that way sometimes, but never really thought of it that way before, if that makes sense.


Last week was National Teacher Appreciation Week (stay with me, I'm going somewhere with this).  Our local radio station had listeners call in and talk about their favorite teachers.  One woman called in and talked about her mom.  When no one else would listen and when her teachers wanted to give up, her mom realized she had dyslexia.  Her mom started taking classes at the local community college so she could help her, she started tutoring her at home and helped her daughter all the way through college.  I hope and pray that someday Noah will look back and see this is what Shawn and I have done for him.  I don't think he quite 'gets' it right now.  I know he doesn't.  That's the part that makes this difficult.  I know and feel as though I'm doing the right thing, but when I don't receive confirmation from him, I wonder.  Being Noah's mom is hard.  Being Avery's mom is easy.  I want my children to look back and know that I ran the race for them as their mom, that I did my best.  I want to be able to say that I fought the good fight, kept the faith and gave my children everything I have.  I want to know that I have chosen to encourage my children, to build them into men of God, to build them into future leaders, men who will be good husbands and great daddies.  I want my children to know that I have chosen to favor them above anyone else.  I want to know that I set an example as a Christian parent and when they choose a wife, they choose a virtuous woman based off the examples I have set.  I want them to love and prefer their wives and their children because their mom loves and prefers them. I want to know that my children have seen me exhibit the six Inner Beauty Qualities to the best of my ability. 


And now, I must go courageously, PERSISTENTLY, gratefully, calmly, gently and with genuine love, ask my husband to take the trash out....  Again.....  :)

2 Timothy 4:5-8: "But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.  For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have the faith.  Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. " (NIV)

The Master Weaver

I have to smile at God sometimes.  Okay, a lot of times.  He can be funny.  Not funny ha-ha, but funny ironic.  (Although sometimes I do find myself looking heavenward and thinking, "REALLY?!")  I love watching Him at work, weaving lives and personal stories together, making connections.  Man, was He busy yesterday.

Yesterday I worked at our volunteer center's booth at a local street fair.  This part of our ministry is very difficult for me.  I don't consider myself a people person, so outreach and introducing others who might not be interested is completely out of my comfort zone.  However, God always rewards me when I step out of my box and into His.  I met so many different people, all with stories, all from different walks of life.  Some people didn't want our information.  Understandable.  For them, our information can be threatening.  Other people, however, wanted a hug and a shoulder to cry on.  I gave out a lot of hugs yesterday.  To protect privacy, I won't go into every story I ran into. They were heart-wrenching, though.  Several of them struck close to home and that's where God fascinates me.  I refuse to believe in coincidence.  I choose to believe in divine intervention.  I choose to believe in God's plan.  It may sound arrogant, but for two different particular parents dealing with two different particular issues, I don't believe it was a mistake that God put me there instead of someone else. One mom shared with me something that other people would have judged. Because of what I've been through with Noah though, I didn't even blink, I just hugged her a little tighter and asked her how we can help her.

That mom's story struck me the most and it showed me there really is a need for a local Christian, Bible-based support group for parents of children with special needs.  There are plenty of support groups out there, and there are plenty of diagnosis-specific support groups, but try finding one that is Christian and Biblically based that covers all your bases. Both of the parents I spoke with yesterday were looking specifically for Christian counseling and support for themselves and their children.  They don't know where to start, where to look or how to find help for their children.

Before the diagnosis process began with Noah, I had no idea where to start.  There wasn't anyone to tell me, "Take your child to this specialist,""Take your child to this person,""Hang on for the ride" and then hang on for the ride with me.  It wasn't until I blew up one day with two good friends about everything that was frustrating me with Noah and they told me I needed to talk with another friend of their's with a child with AS.  WHY DID I NEED TO TALK TO A PARENT OF A CHILD WITH AS????  Ohhhhhh. When I was finally able to talk with this other mom, she took my hand and said, "Take your son to this doctor at this center.  Take him to this social skills therapist.  Read these books.  Do this research. "  Then things started falling into place.  That was one of things that frustrated me the most--I had no guidance, even when I was trying to find it.  Even when I thought I'd found a Christian counselor for Noah, I quickly realized we were in the wrong place for him.  These parents yesterday were just as frustrated as I was (and still am, to some extent).

I think this is where God is taking me next:  Parent Education.  I've been feeling this way for a little while, mulling it over and praying about it.  Yesterday was just another step in the process.  There are so many of us out 'there' who are struggling, so many who just need someone to take their hands and say, "This is the first step you need to take.  Hold my hand and hang on for the wild ride you are about to take with your child."  I am by no means an expert on any of this, I am still learning the ropes, but in the process, I can begin teaching the ropes, too.  And I can start supporting other parents who are struggling.  I have no idea how I'm going to get this off the ground or who will help me lead it.  What I do know, is that this support group needs to happen.

God was busy yesterday, weaving lives together, whispering plans for the future and setting things into motion.

A New Tool in Our Asperger Toolbox

There's a new medicine bottle on our counter tonight. This one has Noah's name on it.  It symbolizes everything I've stood against ever since Noah entered school and we were first told something was "wrong" with our son.  This bottle is one of the many reasons we pulled Noah from public school and put him in private school.  We were never told to have our son evaluated; instead, we were told to have our son medicated.

I met with the developmental pediatrician again today and we talked for two hours.  Thankfully, her nurse took Noah to the playroom because there many things he just didn't need to hear.  I cried out my frustrations to her, we went over everything that has happened in the past 6 months since she first diagnosed Noah, all the interventions we are trying, all of Noah's behaviors and anything else I could think of.  This doctor had completely rearranged her schedule to meet with me today and not once during the two hours we talked did I feel pressured to "hurry up and just get it over with."  She was patient, kind and understanding.  She listened to everything I had to say, asked questions and for clarification when necessary.

Finally, at the end, when I was drained of everything I had gone with, I said that I was afraid the next logical step for my son would be medication.  She nodded in agreement, then quietly explained our options to me.  She still feels that most of Noah's issues are internal (ie, Asperger's-related), rather than external (ie, ADD/ADHD-related) or a combination of both.  So, for now, we are heading down the path of Asperger's medications, rather than stimulants.  She feels one of these will be more beneficial to Noah than a traditional ADD/ADHD medication.  We will keep in close contact and reevaluate Noah several times over the next few months to make sure this one works and to see if he might need an additional medication (for example, a stimulant or something else to help ADD/ADHD).

This decision did not come easily for me.  For years I've been told I needed to medicate my son, and for years I've cried myself to sleep over it (especially lately).  I am so afraid of adding chemicals to my son's already chemically imbalanced brain.  I am afraid that one medication will lead to two, two will lead to three, and so on.  I am afraid the first medication and/or dose won't work and I'll have to put my son through a whole string of medications and dosages before finding the right combination for him.  I pray none of my anxieties will be realized and this will be easy for him.   I have wrongly sat in judgement of other parents who have chosen to medicate their children and to them, I apologize.  While I do believe some parents might choose medication because it's the easy path for unruly children, there are the rest of us who are genuinely trying to help our children just be able to function in society.  That's all I want for my son.  I love him more than anything; he's one of the few true gifts I'll receive in this lifetime here on Earth.  I want him to do better than just survive.  I want better for him than what he has right now.  As his mom, I owe it to him to try every avenue of support and help.   Please don't judge my decision unless you've walked in my shoes.

I talked with Noah about this new tool on our way home.   I've approached the medication issue with him before (would this be something he'd be willing to try if the doctor suggested it), so this wasn't entirely new to him.  I did my best to explain that this won't make the AS go away, that it is not a cure.  I told him that it will help with some of the behaviors and symptoms he has a tough time controlling.  I explained the ultimate goal with this medicine is to eventually wean him off it, once he has the tools and knowledge to control his behaviors and symptoms on his own.  I told him it won't work be magic, it will take several weeks for us to see any differences, and it could even be possible that we'll have to try more than one medicine.   Then we prayed over that medicine bottle, prayed for God's will, patience, strength, acceptance and perseverance.   Noah was eager to start taking it last night because, as he told me, "Mom, I just want to get better."  Somehow, I managed to keep those tears in until after he went to bed!  It never ceases to amaze me just how many times a mother's heart can break.  And it never ceases to amaze me just how many times God can put our hearts back together.

I am still not entirely comfortable with this decision, even though I know it was the logical next step.  Shawn and I are still not seeing entirely eye to eye on it either, even though we both know it's one of Noah's best options right now.  We are placing this in God's hands and going from there.  For now, that's all we know how to do.  And for now, it's the best thing to do.

2 Corinthians 5:7 "We live by faith, not by sight." (NIV)

Rainbows in the Midst of the Rainstorms

Desperate times have called for desperate measures, so I have resorted to slurping A&W dessert topping with canned whipped cream from a spoon....  Noah is covered in poison ivy and finally had the "Why me?" meltdown I've been waiting for, Avery smashed his finger (3 x-rays later, it's not broken) in the porch swing....  But all of that is another post or two.  I'm determined to stay positive with this one!  I have good news to report, a few rainbows in the midst of all of our rainstorms.  Yay!

I know I've done a lot of whining and complaining lately and I apologize for that.  2011 has been difficult and I'm waiting for it to ease up (can anyone tell me when that will be, please?!).

My dear niece's exploratory surgery went much better than expected.  I was able to be with her and I've been able to take care of her afterward, too.  Praise God, she does not have endometriosis, her pain will be easily solved and if she wants, when she's ready, she can still make me into a Great Mamie, haha!  :)  All she wanted yesterday after her surgery were chocolate chip cookies and because I can cook and bake everything but those (somehow I always mange to mess them up), Shawn made them for her.  I made dinner for her and her housemates tonight and Shawn delivered that, then walked her dog.  I'm so glad she lives as close as she does so I have a chance to do these things for her.  At the tender age of 21, she's always been the caretaker in her family, raising herself and her 4 younger siblings and taking care of her parents.  It's nice to be able to take care of her for a change.

I connected with a wonderful family last night.  It was my intention to help them, but I think they ended up helping me.  They recently lost their middle son, so we took a meal to them.  They are a fellow Scouting family and we made a few connections.  The mother thinks her youngest, a new Eagle, might be interested in mentoring Noah.  I'm praying this is so!  I think it would be great for my son.  I felt led to this family, as I didn't know them before their son's death, so I can only believe this is a "God thing."  The family is doing well, as they said, by the grace of God.  They are wonderful people and it was such a blessing to meet them.

My cousin and her husband finally have official custody of the two little ones they have been fostering!  This is a wonderful situation for all of them.  My cousin is unable to have children, but is a great mom.  She loves these two children and they've been doing so well with her.  Both children are making remarkable improvements, growing like weeds and HAPPY!  My cousin is also HAPPY!

The past two days I've come home to my Mother's Day present:  A CLEAN HOME!!!  A few weeks ago, Shawn asked what I wanted for Mother's Day.  I told him I wanted the house professionally cleaned, so we found someone to do it for an extremely affordable price.  I'm thrilled with the results!  So thrilled that I sat in my clean, almost unrecognizable bathroom for several minutes, just taking it all in!  I may have paid for this clean house, but the woman who cleaned it for me has no idea what a gift she has given me!

Today, the rainy skies parted and the sun came out for a bit.  It was wonderful to see blue sky and the sun!

Back to left field in the morning....  Thank goodness for A&W syrup and canned whipped cream!

Motive/7x70

I've been doing my best to keep this blog post at bay all weekend, but here it is.  These are things I need to get out because if I keep them in my head any longer, I feel like I will explode.  I have done my best to occupy myself with happier moments for the last 48 hours, but now the emotions and tears are crashing in around me, threatening to crush me.

Noah and I (and Shawn and Avery) had two of his friends over yesterday and I watched happily as Noah was just a normal, 10 year old little boy, romping around the yard all day long with his friends, Avery doing his very best to keep up with the 3 older children.  Even when they climbed a tree in our backyard, Avery was still at the bottom, barking orders at them.  But my thoughts and emotions were still in the back of my mind.  


Shawn and Noah set up camp in the backyard Friday night and have yet to come in the house this weekend.  Noah has been cooking on the campfire, showered only for church this morning, helped his little brother make s'mores and told ghost stories with his dad.  I happily (and secretly) watched from inside the house at 5:30 yesterday morning when he got up before Shawn to gather wood for the breakfast campfire, building it just to the camping book's specifications, so he could make his dad proud (he did).  But my thoughts and emotions were still in the back of my mind.


This morning in church, I listened to a much needed message about Motive.  About my own and about second-guessing the motives of others when they hurt you.  This was a message I clearly needed to hear because it was perfectly aimed at the thoughts and emotions in the back of my mind:  For years after the family fight that followed my parent's divorce and my father's remarriage, I have filled in the holes of what I don't know for fact with my own imagination.  I have disobeyed God and been un-Christlike by filling the story in with possible false negatives instead of concentrating on the positives about the people in my own family.   In doing so, I have judged my father and my sister (perhaps wrongly; either way, it's not up to me judge them, their motives or their actions) and sunk to their level, allowing the devil to place strongholds in my life (Ephesians 4:26).

So, what started this whirlwind of thoughts and emotions I've been trying to keep at bay all weekend?  Several weeks ago, I received an odd message from God that I would have a chance to apologize to my sister and ask her forgiveness.  It completely threw me off kilter and left me reeling.  My sister and I have not spoken in nearly 5 or 6 years.  How was I going to have the opportunity to ask her forgiveness (Matthew 19:26)?  For those of you who don't believe in messages from God, I do, and they do happen, you just have to be receptive to them (and you have to be able to discern if they really are from God).  Maybe if I explained how it happened, it would make more sense, but this isn't the blog for that.  The next day, my dear niece gave me an invitation to her youngest brother's birthday party that she was giving him, telling me that my sister would be there.  BINGO.  Ever since, I have been on edge, anxious and nervous.  My "daddy issues" have been larger than life and my old feelings of anger and bitterness have been slowly working their way back into my life.  Thank goodness Dear Old Dad wouldn't be there.  I've felt like the teenager on her way to prom with the popular guy--"Is he going to like me?!", only I've been wondering that about my own sister.

I got my answer today.  I hugged my youngest nephew, thrilled with the chance to see him and to be able to wish him a happy birthday.  He was close to two by the time I actually even knew about him, closer to three before I met him.   Upon seeing my two oldest nephews, whom I haven't seen in several years, I burst into tears.  I couldn't believe how tall they've gotten and how handsome they are!  I was totally taken by surprise by my own emotions.  My dear sweet niece, always so aware of everything, asked if I needed some time alone, but I wanted to get things over with, so I headed into the kitchen where my sister was, ready to beg her forgiveness for everything I said so many years ago. We both said some very nasty things, but because of who we each are, I've always known the apology would have to come from me first. I wanted to hug her (and for her to hug me back), to tell her how much I miss her (and to hear that she missed me), to tell her how much my family is going through and how much I desperately need a sister right now.  Maybe I even needed to hear that she desperately needed me, too.  Then I wanted to run as fast as I could from my niece's house when my own sister wouldn't even acknowledge me.  She wouldn't say hi to me, she wouldn't even look at me.  She did her best to ignore me.  My own sister wouldn't even acknowledge my sons, including the 22 month old nephew she's never even met.  She never introduced herself to Avery, she never said hi to Noah.  I never did get the chance to ask my sister's forgiveness, but somehow managed to survive the party.

I constantly tell myself that my family is the reason God has gifted me with such wonderful friends, but sometimes, as much as I love and appreciate my dear friends, I just really want a sister.  I can't walk through Hallmark and not feel like crying when I see those silly, mushy-gushy, sister-love signs and cards.  I can't help but feel a bit jealous when two sisters I know have such an exceptional relationship.  I know that is wrong of me because I really do have terrific friends who are almost like sisters, and in many ways, better.  They know my secrets and love me anyway!  When I hugged Noah tonight and apologized for the way my sister treated him, I tried to concentrate on the positives:  "This is why we have Mrs S and Mrs B and Miss H and so many others!  They love you just like one of their own."  He looked at me, smiled and said our made-up word for the friends God has given us to make up for family: "Fremily," but I could see the hurt and pain in his eyes.  Noah already faces so much rejection and criticism, that to face it from the people who, in his mind, are supposed to love him unconditionally, hurts even more.  As a child who craves acceptance and only wants to please everyone, this cuts him deeply, to suffer for the sins of his mother.  Avery doesn't know the difference because he's never met her, but some day he'll wonder and I worry that I'll see the hurt and pain in his eyes, too.   If I can't explain her behavior to myself, how am I supposed to explain her rejection to them? I'm angry for the way my children were treated today, for the way they've been treated over the past several years.

Somewhere, in all of this, I need to just learn to let go.  My father doesn't care, my sister doesn't seem to care.  I need to move on because the only person I'm hurting now is myself, and in that process, I'm hurting my children and my husband.  I'm teaching my children to stay stuck, I'm teaching them to hang on to strongholds.  I'm teaching them anger, bitterness and ungratefulness.  Instead of setting a Christlike example for my children, I am displaying that of a sinner.  I also need to just forgive myself for my actions in the past, which will be a big part of moving on.  I made a huge mistake and yes, it cost me my sister and father, but looking back, just how healthy were those relationships to begin with?  If time can't heal these wounds, if my own father has allowed his wife to choose herself over his daughters for him, if my sister can't see the forest for the trees: Are these people I should have in my life, and in my children's lives, in the first place?  I also need to forgive them.  Forgiveness has been a popular theme on the radio recently, thanks to a new song called "7x70" by Chris August.  Because of this song and everything leading up today, forgiveness has also been on my brain.  I just want this part of my life over with.  I need to rid my heart of this pain, anger and bitterness; forgiveness for myself, my father and my sister are the only way to do that.  I need to stop playing The Blame Game.

I wish I could sum this blog up on one of my standard "so I solved my problem with my usual sunny/snarky disposition" anecdotes, but unfortunately, I know I will still struggle with this.  I will lose sleep tonight and I will cry a little longer.  I need to wallow a bit.  As I've learned through my grief training, it's okay to wallow as long as I don't allow it to consume me and I snap out of it in a day or two.  I keep telling myself it's time to move on with my life.  I needed to know if things had changed between me and my sister.  Now I do, and they haven't.  Now it is time to concentrate on the important, positive people in my life: my immediate family and our fremily.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me?  Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV)