God's Playlist

Today was a heavy day for me.  2011 has been a heavy year for me.  I'm ready for it to be over.  Or just curl up into a ball with my blankie and hide in my closet until this all passes over.  How long do you think that will take?

Between Noah's newest diagnoses and a friend's news (Her adult daughter is dying of cancer.  She will leave behind an 8 year old daughter of her own), my heart is very heavy.  I had to drive Shawn's car this morning, which always leaves me anxious, especially since I was traveling outside of the easy "Rescue Amy" zone.  I was going to see a psychiatrist for information about Noah and had all sorts of thoughts going through my head.  I was talking to God (not listening...) and turning into a babbling, rambling mess.  I turned the radio on to the Christian station we listen to and really tried to listen to the words I was hearing.  As I listened and prayed, I realized every single song that was being played were messages I needed to hear.  God was telling me: "Lean on me, I'll help you carry this, I'll even carry it for you.  I love you, child. I'll never give you anything more than we can handle together.  Please let Me in, allow Me to help you and ease your burdens.  I've traveled these paths already and we'll get through this together."

What else could I do but cry?  I felt so humbled, so graced.  These aren't just my problems, these are our problems.

On the way home, after receiving Noah's diagnoses, I turned the same station on.  I cried and talked to God.  I told him that I'm not strong enough to do this on my own, I cried out to Him and asked for His help.  I cried most of the way home.  I needed to get it out of my system so that when I got home, I could pull on my big girl panties and be ready to tackle this for Noah.  Just as I was having this thought, my brain tuned back in to the song on the radio:  "Move" by Mercy Me.

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I wont stop, I'll keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see your face

When life won't play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I can't seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I won't let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move, move
I'm gonna move, move
I'm gonna move (I'm gonna move)

I've got to hold 'er steady
Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything is about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see your face

I'm gonna move
(No matter what may come)
(Gotta move to a different drum)
(No matter what life brings)
(Gotta move gotta move to a different beat)
(Gotta move gotta move to a different beat)

I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see your face

I'm gonna move
I'm gonna move
I'm gonna move, gonna move

I had to laugh (thank goodness):  God was telling me that yes, I did indeed need to put my big girl panties back on and be ready to tackle this latest monkey wrench!

Noah and I call the radio "God's Playlist."  We play it in the house and in the cars.  The kids hear it constantly.   There are times we want to listen to the music we want to hear, but sometimes, when we listen to the radio, we hear the messages God needs us to hear.  

So what am I going to do?  I'm gonna pull up my big girl panties and move....

"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always."  1 Chronicles 16:11