Parenting Struggles

Most days I really struggle as a mom.  I have many doubts about my abilities to raise my two boys, especially Noah.  I love them both so much.  I want so much for them, only the best of everything.  I want them to be successful and happy.  Avery is plenty happy.  But I'm never sure if Noah is happy.  Personality traits aren't the only things that separate my boys, though.

I often try to place myself in Noah's shoes, wondering what is going through his mind as he sees me interact with Avery.  I worry that he thinks I favor his little brother over him, that I love Avery more, that I don't even like him.  I tell myself that I try hard to interact positively with Noah, but it can be very difficult for a variety of reasons.  The truth is, as much of a pistol as Avery can be, he is a very easy child (knock wood). He snuggles easily, responds easily to emotions, is loving, responsive and outgoing.  I love snuggling with both boys, but Noah can be very awkward and uncomfortable.  Other than showing Noah proper ways of expressing love, affection and emotions, I don't know how else to help him with these sorts of things.  I have calls into several counselors, waiting to hear back.

I also worry what it is like for Noah to have a two year old brother who obviously and easily excels at the things Noah wants to be good at, but struggles with.  Noah would give anything to be able to pick up any musical instrument and play it well.  Unfortunately, my dear son is not only tone-deaf and unable to keep a rhythm, but he also has difficulties with hand-eye coordination.  He also got frustrated when he realized he had to practice to be good at an instrument.  Avery however, has been able to keep a beat practically from the day he was born.  Noah strives to be athletic and there are many sports he wants to be good at.  Noah's poor gross motor coordination (ie, general awkwardness) and poor hand-eye coordination seem to stall him.  Again, Avery seems to be naturally athletic already.

Tonight, Avery and I were tossing a ball while Noah ran around the yard in his own little world, playing whatever games he's got going on inside his head.  Several times I tried to involve Noah, inviting him to come play with us.  He insisted that he wanted to be left alone to play by himself.  At this point, I worry this is something I have created or caused in Noah.

I want my boys to be close, to love each other as brothers, not to fight with each other because one thinks Mommy loves the other one more.  All Avery wants is for his older brother to pay attention to him, to play with him and be responsive to him.  There are times I have to worry about Avery's safety and well being because of Noah's impulsivity and lack of self control.  When they do play together, Noah tends to forget he is older and needs to be a good example.  He tends to forget he is bigger and faster, that Avery looks up to him and isn't fully capable of doing all the things Noah does.

I struggle with these things I need to teach Noah.  He is so smart and such a good kid.  I want him to know I believe in him, I want to teach him how to show appropriate emotions and affection.  I try to talk to him, but frequently things go in one ear and out the other (show me a child that doesn't happen to).  He isn't able to comprehend what he is doing or how he is behaving and how it affects others.

These are some of the things I cry out to God the most.  Help me with my son.  Help me help him.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)